Back on the horse, and then falling off of it

Tuesday I went for a run, and while it was all well and good at the time, it wasn't a particularly long run, and the next day I felt terrible. Yesterday I tried to go for a run again, and it was a disaster. Not only did I not get too far, I walked most of it back home.
So, back on the horse today. I figure, you know, even though it's 9 pm, it's not like I'm going to bed any time soon, nor is it any darker than it was 6 hours ago.
The run is going fine, I've gone pretty far, I'm pushing myself pretty well. It had started out not so great with my underestimating how cold the air was, therefore my un-mittened hands were freezing. But being the running genius that I am, I put my hat on my hands until I'd run enough that the blood was pumping and they were hot.
Also, I was excited because with the new snow, I finally had a chance to try out my Christmas present: shoe grippers, to give traction to my feet and keep me from falling.
No luck. There I am, over two miles into my run, about a mile to go, and one miss step. I think I must have stepped on the edge of the sidewalk and my ankle just bends in a way it shouldn't have and down I go, belly flop onto concrete.
Luckily, this is the one time I had my cell phone on me (and even more luckily it didn't break, seeing as I fell right onto it while it was in my hip pocket), and I called my folks. It didn't really hurt too much at the time, and I walked a little bit down the road till my dad came in got me.
But now it just hurts like hell, and it figures that even though I hate running on the sidewalk, but I do it anyways for safety, I hurt myself. And the first time I use this grippers so I don't fall, I hit the pavement.
I'm so excited for this week to be over. Maybe in the New Year I will be a more proficient and graceful runner.

Holiday Week...

It's been a couple days now, but I've been meaning to post about Christmas Eve since, well, since Christmas Eve. But since it has now been a little while, all of the flowery poetry I'd use to describe it has dissipated, so I'll just do a little recap of actual "eve" events:
*Getting to see friends
*Having Christmas dinner (turkey, mashed potatoes, green-beans and all) with family
*Opening presents and getting, and giving everything I wanted.
*Getting to see more of friends and family
*Going to Church and having a candle - lighting service.

All of my favorite things to do on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day, was ok. It was a weird year, with so much family away right now, but I did go for an hour long walk with my mom and then for a hour long run. Which was great, but has left me kinda a wreck the rest of the week and it's been hard to get back on the running band-wagon, even with all my nice running-gear presents.

Time spent not running has been spent feeding my addiction to "House" dvds (although now I've watch them all, and have to just sit and wait for the next season to come out on dvd...) and knitting. I'd write what I've knitted, but they are presents that
haven't been given yet, but remind me and I'll put pictures up of them soon. I've been knitting so much though, that the joke in my house right now is that I'm not going to get a job - I'm just going to sit in my basement knitting away and selling my work on theinternet. Hopefully though, this is just a joke, and will not turn into a reality.

Benazir Bhutto was assassinated yesterday. I'm not trying to make a political statement on Pakistan or anything of that nature. To be honest, I didn't even really know who she was until the whole deal withMusharaff took place two months ago and she came back to Pakistan. But through-out that whole ordeal, and really, what continues to go on there, I likedBhutoo. I liked hearing her speak, and hearing this woman's voice in the political landscape, and I'm sad that she's gone.

It feels weird to write something beyond that, but I know there was something else I was going to blog about....Oh yes, the upcoming week. I'm looking forward to getting to see more of my friends; we always have a such a great time together, and I'm thrilled to see what comes of the next couple days. Not to mention, I'm ready to usher in the New Year. This blog is pretty long already, so I'll wait for a "Year in Review" blog till later, but for now I'm very excited to spend a weekend with friends and see 2008 arrive.

Two Notes

1.) It took me all week to go again, but I just went running again. It's so mild, the perfect weather for a run. Ironic that I now go running around the Vita Course - the track around the baseball, football, tennis, and soccer fields of the local high school. I would get yelled at in high school for walking it and not even trying to run. Now, I run it without walking.

2.) I'm posting this link to NPR's Fresh Air from Wednesday. I caught most of it when it first aired and found it really interesting. Not only because I'm excited for the Paul Thomas Anderson, Daniel Day Lewis, and Paul Dano film "There Will Be Blood." Also for the "Years Best Books." But most especially for Fresh Air's rock critic (and Entertainment Weekly editor) Ken Tucker's segment "A Cristic Assesses The Year in Rehab (Er, Rock)". I think the segment is very succinct.
For awhile I have wondered at my own draw to crappy pop music. I know it's no good, I know it's not great music. However, I can't get enough. I was struck though, with the honesty of Tucker and felt he got it right on with this:
".... But all of these young performers had what all of too much of rock and hip-hop lacked this year: an un-ironic emotionalism, an open heartedness, and an interest in really figuring out what it means to be in love."
Not to mention that the rock group he does praise, Fiery Furnaces, sounds pretty interesting.

Ouch

I feel like I've turned a corner with my job anxiety, really. I feel like I may be letting go a little and just kinda relaxing.
Except, that my anxiety is so deeply rooted in my being, that it peeks out without my even being aware of it. The night before last my mind was conjuring up this stressful dream (it wasn't a nightmare, but it was stressful and was about to turn this corner and go down the road of nightmare) and it's like my brain went "Nope, we're not even going there" and woke me up. Except, it woke me up to the state of not being able to sleep again, at 5:30 am.
Last night, it was at 4:00 am. Just, suddenly awake; hearing every creek and noise in my house. My over active imagination runs wild with these noises (really, you think after living here for a life time I would have gotten used to them, but I guess that's what three years away does).
Tonight, I'm just hoping my brain lets me sleep through the night.

On the upside: Twice this week, once while it was snowing and once in the bitter cold, I went running over 3.5 miles. Go me!
(I was thinking of going again tonight, but then stepped outside and promptly fell on my ass. So hard I knocked my glasses off my head. Ouch. If the black ice is so bad I can't get off the front steps I probably shouldn't be running....)

December 12 - Dec. 16.

The Scene:
Me in my long black puffy coat with giant backpack on my back; yoga mat strapped to it and all, giant duffle bag at my feet along with two bags in my hands, standing in front of the customs officer-lady.

Customs Officer: How long where you in Canada?
Me: About 10 days.
CO: What were you doing there?
Me: Visiting friends
CO: How do you know these friends?
Me: I used to work in Northern Ontario at a camp in the summers, and I know them from that job, we worked there together.
CO: And where are you going?
Me: Back to Chicago.
CO: Where do you live?
Me: Outside Chicago, the suburbs.
CO: And what do you do there?
Me: I’m currently unemployed.



Sitting in the back of a cab at 5 a.m. going from bus station to train station:
Cabbie: So you moving or something?
Me: Yes.
Cabbie: Where you coming from?
Me: Toronto
Cabbie: Toronto, huh? How long where you there?
Me: I’ve been gone about a month
Cabbie: A month? That’s nothing, that’s a vacation!
Me: Yeah, I know.




I’ve been back in Chicago for a couple days now. It has taken some adjusting. One major adjustment was moving back into my parent’s house. Even bigger was moving back into the basement.
It’s hard not to feel a little deja-vu coming back here. The last time I lived in this room, I had just graduated college. I was unemployed – then working two part time jobs, I was looking into graduate school for library science (just as I am now).

I know, I know, I can’t discount the past three years. But I can’t help but feel like I’m back where I started. Granted, the last time I lived in this room I also fell in love - and trust me, ain’t been easy dispelling those ghosts from this place - and found a job that I stayed at for two years. So, for being a starting point, it has workded out for me before. So, a trip to Ikeas and two days later, I’ve got my little corner, my little plot of land, a place in the world.

Another adjustment is to being unemployed. Being unemployed and being back in my parent’s basement, well, I’ve had to watch myself to keep depression at bay. Again – adjustment, and acceptance. And just trying to “be here now”. It ain’t easy for me.
If nothing else this whole experience is teaching me a lot about myself.

I need a reason for everything. (Ohh, self realization #3,408,621: Probably a contributing factor in how difficult seems to be to get over the ex-boyfriend. Sure, there were lots of reasons, but in the end – it just didn’t work. And the fact that love can just fade like that: very, very hard to accept). I need to have reasons for why this happens, for why that happens. And finding the greater “life-lessons” to bring to my current unemployment and living situation, to give it meaning, is very hard to see this close up to it.

So, I do yoga.
I run.
And I am trying my best to just put my head on my desk and take a minute.

Last Night In T.O.

Well, it was my last night in Toronto.
I spent the day packing up and cleaning up.
I went grocery shopping, and bought a rasperry tart at the local bakery (apatly named, Queen of Tarts).
I made my roommates a fantastic dinner, we all enjoyed it, and then enjoyed the tart.

It was fantastic to get to hang out with my friends, and 10 days in Toronto was good for my soul. Thanks to my friends, here and everywhere else.

Dinner for One

I went to dinner alone tonight, and it was fabulous.

I spent all day with my friend, got a new sweatshirt at one of my fav. Canadian stores, and then we picked up her boyfriend/my friend from work and made our way back to the house. Just as we were approaching the grocery store they started a couple fight and being the third wheel was about to be uncomfortable. I excused myself, went back to the house to check my email (no word yet on that job), change into my new hoodie, grab some money and my new book.

From there, I left the house to go have dinner by myself. One of my roommates was all "By yourself though? I mean, don't go by yourself. If you need company, I could always go." But I stood by ground, and it is for this reason:

Going to a meal, with just myself and a book, is one of my favorite things to do. I went, I had dinner, I read my book, and I felt rejuvenated. I had dinner by myself and I was able to come home and socialize with my 3 favorite guys/roommates for two hours.

Me, a good book, a good meal. Another "life lesson" relearned in Toronto.

"The Adventure" continues...kind of

So those interviews? They went all fine and everything, and one of them even panned out to potential employment. But, there's a "but".

I've been here over a week. In that week, I made contact/saw almost 3 apartments and had 5 interviews set up for nanny jobs. You can't argue that I'm not ambitious, or that I haven't tried. I did try. And in the end, I just didn't feel comfortable here at all.

In the past month, there has be a lot of uncomfortable things in my life - leaving my job, packing everything I own, getting on a bus for a new life, and trying to live in a foreign city. Being uncomfortable is vital to growth in life, I understand that. We can't always be comfortable. But I was at least calm and accepting of all that uncertainty and lack of comfort in leaving my job, packing, getting on the bus. But the uneasiness I feel in being an illegal alien, is not something I am willing to put up with.

There was this voice in the back of my head the whole time that just kept saying "I could be doing this in a city in the states, and doing it LEGALLY." And I don't really want to be nanny. I don't want to raise someone else kid. If I'm going to be looking for a job, I want to be looking for a job that I'm qualified for. And I can't do that in Canada.

To be true to the whole experience, I can't deny that I feel I failed somehow. That by leaving, I'm admitting defeat or something. I understand that this is not the case, but I can't deny that it FEELS that way.

Still, I learned a lot:

I needed to leave Michigan. And I probably wouldn't have done that just
to move back home. I needed this to motivate me to leave. (Thanks Katy,
that was a good insight).
* I now know my comfort limits with adventure: moving, not a huge risk for me. Unemployment - HUGE risk for me.
* I am a good roommate. And I would like my roommates to also be good roommates.
* I like to run in winter in parks, and I should do it more often.
* I am uncomfortable being an illegal alien.

There are countless other life lessons, but this blog is already pretty long,
so I'm gonna wrap it up now. But I'll say this final thing: There's a job opening at a school back in Chicago, I put in my application. I think it would be a great fit for me, and for the school - say a little prayer that the school thinks so too!

Update on "The Adventure"

!st: A shout out to my brother, whose celebrating his 22nd birthday today. Happy Birthday Little Bro!

2nd: An update on that whole "moving to another city/country, starting completely from scratch thing":

*Living arrangements are stressful. It's a decent sized apartment with
4 people in it and a dynamic between them that's already established
(with it's ups and it's downs) for over a year now. Adding another
person to that, has been,...stressful. That's the best word I can come
up with. Not sure what will happen from here. There's a lot of flux
going on, some roommates thinking of leaving, me thinking of staying,
but not sure if it's the best thing. But the rent would be cheap, the
location is good,.... I digress. Anyways...
Side note though: I did
look at one place with two rooms for rent (another friend is coming to
town, so I'm doing a little looking around for the both of us). It was
nice, clean, private. Mostly it's significance is that it was the first
destination I had in Toronto where I had to get somewhere that I had
never been, on my own. It was a total success and upped my confidence.

* Jobs: I've pretty much lived on craigslist
this week, what in also looking for a possible place to live as well as
employment. I should also have looked in the local paper, but, since
I've had some success withcraigslist , I stuck with that. I emailed
every job that looked good to me: small children (under the age of 5),
full time, preferably near my current residence but that's not vital,
and seeminglylegit . (So many jobs with just "Nanny needed. One child.
Call this number." I mean, if that's not a potential killer, I don't
know what is).
And one week after I arrived, it's panned out
pretty well. (Although, let's see if I actually get offered any jobs
tomorrow). I have four interviews this weekend, one seems perfect, I
just hope it pays enough. Another seems really good, and the other two
seem like they would pay fairly well, but would be more work than are
worth it. Like, I might be the nanny who got hosed if I took these
jobs. But what can I say, I'm unemployed, I'll at least take the
interview.

I'll update tomorrow on how things go (3 of the
interviews are tomorrow), but let me end with these things I've learned
in a week of starting over:
*Unemployment does not suit me. I don't
even know what to do with myself. I go crazy, I get stuck in thought
with nothing else to distract me. It'shorrible.
* I know it's all high and mighty and what not to live with out a tv, but I hate it. Again, I think it has to be with me being an overly analytical person. If I don't have something around to distract me, like Project Runway or Heroes or even stupid Extreme Home Make-over per say, I get all caught up in my head and just go round and round up there. It ain't pretty.

* I really do prefer running in the winter as to the summer. I know, I
think I'm crazy too. It's cold to start out, but once the blood gets
going, and you warm yourself up by your own running, it's just exhilarating. I love it.

Long post, good for you for making it to the end. I'll try to keep up the documentation of the adventure tomorrow. Hopefully, with good news to report!

A Run in The Park

A scene from yesterday:

In the last hour of sun-light I changed into my running clothes, got out my ipod, and put my roommate's dog, Mia, on the leash. We walked about 3 blocks to the nearest (and biggest in Toronto) park. From there, we started to run. I've been to the park about twice in my life, so I obviously don't know it very well yet. Mia probably knows it better than I do. It is a huge park, one river boarding it, another river/creek running through it, multiple roads, even more paved pathes, and even more than that foot pathes.
Since I don't know it very well, I was mostly sticking to paths with roads along side. Mia and I were about twenty minutes into our run when I could smell animals. You know, that general smell of farm. Which is odd, cuz we were in the middle of the park. But there were fences up creating plots of land that seemed to be abandoned. I figured it was left over from the summer when maybe they brought animals in.
We keep running and Mia stops to pee on the fences, and then seems interested in something beyond the fence. It was getting so dark I almost didn't see it all, but there in the middle of Toronto, was a black Oxyen.
The path ends there so Mia and I cross the street to other path, and as I look up I see two huge black American Bison. As we continue to run, next to the Bison are antelope, and from there goats. Mia really wanted to chase down the antelope and goats, but instead we let them be, and simply marveled at the greatness of the animals.
Who says you can't find nature and wonder in the city.

A Great Day In Toronto

This morning I had a phone interview for a job that lead to a face to face interview that will happen on Friday. I ran some errands and got to know my neighborhood better. I got to spend time with my roommate/friend. Another friend stopped by to say hi and now she and I are going for a run. We've called another friend and we're thinking about getting together for dinner. Jobs, friends, running - I already love living in the city again, in Toronto.

Traveling & More Traveling

Here's some thoughts I wrote 3 days ago as I was traveling by bus up North:


Traveling
It’s noon. It is noon on a hot greyhound bus. It’s noon on a hot greyhound bus going into the 6th hour of this journey and it’s about 4 more hours till the layover in Detroit. I can only pray that my ipod can suck off enough energy off my computer before my computer dies.


More Traveling
5:56 pm – In the 13th hour now of travel. It’s been a bit of a nail bitter. The bus was 35 minutes late getting into Detroit, which was scary because my lay-over was only supposed to be 5o minutes. Luckily, my next bus was 15 minutes late for it’s scheduled departure. In the end I had just enough time to charge my laptop up to 46% (and I’m down back to 7% right now, but that’s cuz I’ve had my ipod charging this whole 2nd half) and to grab a bag of chips out of the vending machine. Sweet. Gotta love traveling by bus.
Even better, and this is truly a great thing, is that this was by far my easiest border crossing EVER. And I’ve been back and forth more than a few. They hardly even looked at my passport, just “How long are you going to be visiting” and I was back on the bus.
Even better than that, if it can be true, is that one of the women whom I answered a Nanning ad for called literally as the bus was pulling out of the Detroit station and we were approaching the Canadian border. A good omen. Maybe I’ll be employed soon!
I’m down to 3%, and only approx. 5 more hours to go! Hope my ipod can last that long….

Au revoir

It's currently 4:27 am.
I've been up since 3:08 am.
I got up, looked around for my ipod some more (realized at 10:30 pm last night that I hadn't seen it all day, searched for an hour an a half, couldn't find it, went to bed around midnight for 3 hours).
Did my AM yoga routine.
Got dressed. Looked for ipod more. Moved all luggage (and it's a lot - I mean, how do you pack for an adventure in which you have no idea what job you will have, or even in the end where you may be living) to the front room so I'd be ready to leave.
With an hour left before I had to go, I remembered there was only thing that I had on my list yesterday that I was unable to cross off - Find my GRE scores (not that I really want to, they are horrible, but some grad schools require them even if I don't want them to).
I thought "Well, maybe if I do this one last thing on my list I will find my ipod." (After having "ipod" literally be the last thing I was chanting to myself before I went to bed and have it on the back of my mind while trying to do yoga).
I go to the storage closet I created in my parent's basement (thanks Mom and Dad!) and look through some files.
Success, I find the GRE scores! I decide one last time to look through a bag I have looked through repeatedly, and Voi-La, there's my ipod. Now, I am ready to go. I wish I could say that all the nervousness disappeared about my trip once I found it; that I'd fixated all my anxiety about my life into this one corner of it, like, if I could find my ipod it would all be ok. And I felt exhilarated for about 30 seconds when I found it, and then my nervousness was back.

I woke up this morning wanting to vomit. Yoga was kinda a joke - "Let all your tension relax into the ground...." Yeah, not so much happening. But I did have this revelation while doing yoga: Every super-hero's power is a power but also a curse. You know, "with great power comes great responsibility" (name that comic book hero!). If I were a super hero, I think my power/curse is my anxiety. It pushes me to do great things, but it also causes me great sorrow.
That's my big insight for the day, and it's only 4:38 am.

And so, this is it folks. The 5:00 am train into the city, the 7:00 am bus up North. I am taking all the good will I can get, so wish me luck and send me good travel thoughts today!

P.S. - A belated shout out to my friend Michael, whose birthday was yesterday!

T minus one day and counting...

Have you ever realized how many Christmas songs are also Couple/I Love You songs? A lot. Damn you Christmas songs for being so wonderful and holiday-ie and whatnot, along with being all couple-y! damn you.

Ok, well, with that out of the way.
Just an update: T minus 24 hours now. My bus leaves for Toronto Thursday morning.
The beginning of the week was not the best, just a rough day and feeling down. But things have turned up, I've gotten some much needed things accomplished (including getting my driver's license renewed, such a relief to have THAT over). And now the only things left to do are wrap birthday presents, a doctor's appointment, a lunch date, and packing. All which are planned for tomorrow.
And then, ready or no,I am once again off to the North Country. It feels like the right thing. It's been great being home, and living with the parental units has been enjoyable. But it's not time to move back here yet, at least not before trying to make it out there on my own in a town I've always loved, with friends at my side. Wish me luck, and keep checking back as I will update on the adventure here. Now that all the slow transitional stuff is almost over.

Side note on the driver's license process: Next time I have to get it renewed will be 2012, and I will be 30. When I got my old license I was 21. I never would have imagined where I would have been at 25 - a lot can happen in 4 years, and I have no idea what my life will be like the next time I visit the DMV.

All at once

Ok, so I need to blog. It's been days now, and I've been putting it off. I know, I know, it's NoBloPo. On top of that, I was going to blog everyday to chronicle this big transition in my life.

Here's the update on transition: it's slow.

It's a slow, stressful,boring process. I've spent the last week feeling like I'm running around with my head cut off, doing lots and lots of things while feeling like I'm not actually getting anything done.

I've been filling out grad school applications (oh, I hate grad school already), writing personal essays (oh, I hate writing essays again already), sending out requests for letters of recommendations, sending out requests for college transcriptions, looking into FASA (I love and hate you just like I did the last time
around), catching up with some people at home, catching up a lot with family, listening to a lot of music on my ipod, trying to feel as organized as one can before moving to another state/province, and doing yoga at least once a day.

That's been my week. I had an awesome Thanksgiving with my family. At family
gatherings I always feel kinda displaced and a over all feeling of
unnaturalness at the beginning . But by the end, we've all fallen into
our places and it becomes rather enjoyable. Thanksgiving was as it
should be: I was so thankful for the gifts of my life, and I ate a lot
of really yummy food.

One last thing to be documented: I bought my bus ticket to Toronto last night. Only 50 bucks if you're traveling on a weekday and buy it 7 days in advance; how awesome is that? Rhetorical question, because it's pretty awesome. But there it is, official, I am packing my bags and headed North once again.
Terrifying.

High School

The Forecast: "You can take the girl out of high school, but you can't take the high school out of the girl" - said by my friend Liz today, to me.

The Backstory: As I was walking into Borders today the memory of the time I had been there with my now ex-boyfriend, before we were dating, came across my mind. With this thought I opened the door to the store and noticed two guys who at first glance could be in my age group, and so, I gave them a second glance; trying to erase thoughts of my ex-boyfriend. Turned out, the second glance did the trick because I recognized the profile of my former high-school crush.

To say "crush" is to put it lightly. I was infatuated. You know, the way you can be in high-school. He was dark, mysterious, socially-awkward, an artist, moody - I should have taken notes then about the future guys I would be attracted to - and all I wanted in the world was for him to pay any kind of attention to me.
Which, some times he did, but only in IM. Did I mention he was socially awkward?

Turns out, he still is.
And so am I, because this is what I did next:

I recognize him and immediately head for the back of the story where I call my friend Liz, who is exactly who I would have called had this happened 8 years ago in high school. I leave her this message:
"{uncontrolable laughter} {in whisper}oh my god Liz. {again, laughter} I'm in Borders, and {laughter} oh my god, you'll never guess whose here. {more laughter} I saw Michael T. Smith. {laughter} And I can't believe I'm whispering this message to you in the back of the store. I'm hangin up now {more laughter}"

Needless to say, Liz called me back and we laughed good and hard about it, while she also tried to convince me to go talk to him. I tried, really I did. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. About a month ago, at a Borders parking lot in a different state, I asked out a total stranger. Just went up to him and asked him out.
But sitting not three feet from a boy that I went to my senior Homecoming dance with (long and funny story how THAT came about, but that will have to wait for a later day) I couldn't even bring myself to look at him, to try to make eye contact so I could say "Hey, don't I know you from high school..."
And neither, Liz would want me to point out, did he.

Unspoken in words

Tonight at dinner I was in the mode - the one were I'm just chatting and being outgoing, getting through a big school Thanksgiving dinner. As I am chatting, I go to see my friend - a close friend that I haven't seen in awhile, and since I'm leaving, will probably not see for an even longer time.
This friend pulls me into a hug, which a lot of people have done tonight. Unlike a lot of people though, she doesn't let me pull away. She just, continues to hug me. She hugs me to say all the things she that no one really wants to say in a crowded dinning hall full of teenagers.
She says I'm sorry. She says I love you. She says I believe in you. She says I am your friend. She says I will miss you.
All in a hug.
I had to say "Lynne, you have to stop hugging me or I'm going to cry."

I cried. And I realized again tonight, more than just with Lynne, how much I love my friends.

Another Last

I don't want to get on a My Last Fill-in-the-Blank, but this blog every day of the month is a good chronicle of my last days here. So - this was the last Tuesday.

I'm gonna skip my whole work day and go straight into what made it a "Last" Tuesday: dinner. The girls who live in the dorm, where I worked the past two years, and I went out to dinner. It was very touching; we all got dinner, they got me a ice craem sunday, and they had made me a present. A picture frame with all of us, with "We'll miss you so much" written on the matte of the frame. So cute! Along with all their signitures and well wishes.

Had we just gone to dinner, that could have been understandable - another excuse to get off campus. But you should see this picture frame, it's so cute. For teenagers to put that kind of thought into something, I really do appreciate it.

You would think I would cry. I would I would cry. But I didn't. Not really sure why, I think mostly it just hasn't hit me yet. It isn't good-bye, there are still 4 more days of work. Still, this dinner & picture frame - made it that much more real. The last dinner with the girls. The last Tuesday.

The Last Monday

Well, there it was - my last Monday in the Academic Office. Here's the list I make when I come into work:

1.Voicemail
(it gets first dibs because I hardly ever have a voicemail message, so
if I do, I figure it must be important - it usually isn't.)

2. Email. (It gets 2nd dibs because parents usually email me and they, as do most people, like prompt responses. Plus, if someone has something they want in the daily
bulletin, they've emailed it to me.)

3. Daily Bulletin. (Send it out to every parent, student, staff and faculty remember in the school community with information on club meetings, field trips, travel plans, sports, you name it, it's in there).

4.
Travel. (Coordinate any transportation for the day/week & travel to
and from the airport for breaks. Today, that involved emailed about 20
parents as to why they haven't gotten me their plans yet).

5. Do whatever else needs to be done - right now that's putting together a list of every time a student appeared in the nightly report. Along with interviewing candidates or my replacement. Also, putting together mailing lists for our annual fund raiser.

All in a Monday, my last Monday.

Limbo Number Nine

My blogger is still working, so I'm gonna try to keep up with my blogging. It's been a weird weekend, and it's only going to lead into a weird week. It's my last full weekend here, so I've spent a lot of it packing. Now there's not much left except my television, my laptop and my kitchen. Yes, it's about as exciting as it sounds. As with any move, I feel very much in limbo.

That sense of limbo also leads to a hightened sense of boredom. I can only pack up so much, you know? So, to fill in the rest of the blog, I'm going to react to my friend's request to come up with nine physical things that I enjoy about myself. Here we go:

1. My legs (they're pretty awesome. I should learn to like skirts)
2. My boobs
3. My hair
4. My ability to tan/my skin tone
5. do my glasses count? I'll say my eyes & glasses.
6. My hands
7. My lips

ok, seriously, this is harder than I thought!

8. I like the way my butt looks most of the time
9. ok, here's my thoght process as I struggle for #9: ummmm, what else, what else? i like the way my earlobes are attached. But that's kinda really streatching for something, i like the way long earrings look against my neck? Is that my neck or my ears?
So number 9 is a tie between neck & ears.

and obviously, I'm extremely bored....

Top Five Movies (Plus)

So, obviously, the whole NoBloPoMo thing hasn't worked out so well. For some reason the filter on my internet (yep, living at a school) lets me visit my blog, but not actually post anything. Except for right now! Not totally sure why, but I'm just gonna run with it. So, here's a post I wrote a couple days ago while packing (T minus 7 days and counting).

Top 5 movies:

So, you’re moving, your not sure how long you’ll be gone, what movies do you bring?

Out of my Movie Collection: These are the ones that are making the cut:

Yoga instruction: because I swear, I will work yoga into my day at some point in my life, and maybe this is it.

Almost Famous: “It’s all happening” – one of my top five movies of all time, good music, good movie, Parick Fuggit, Cameron Crowe. It wins.

Bourne Identity & Bourne Supremacy: They are the only action flicks I own (no, wait, does Batman Begins count? I discount it because I define it as Comic Strip Action), and sometimes, I need a little action (and a little Matt Damon).

The Departed: Maybe also defined as action? I don’t really think so, mostly defined probably as straight up violent. But so so good. It’s coming with.

The Family Stone: Totally cheesy but also the only film in my movie collection that is guaranteed to make me cry.

Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban: I own this one, and the first one, and this one is by far the superior movie. It might even go so far as to say it’s the best of the movie series.

High Fidelity: Because it’s the daddy of the top five in the first place.

Knocked Up: cuz it’s hilarious.

Saved: It’s got laughs, it’s got heart, it’s got Mandy Moore crashing her car into Jesus. Oh, and it’s got Patrick Fuggit again.

Wimbleton: Total chick flick, that doesn’t make me cry.

The films that didn’t make the cut:
*10 Things I Hate About You: yes, it’s awesome, that’s why I own it. But I’ve already been living in high school for the past two years, I don’t need to bring it with.

* Batman Begins: Is the resurrection of the Batman series. But I’m going with Bourne instead.

* Chasing Amy: surprisingly, the only Kevin Smith film that I actually own. It’s so great, but it’s another high school film for me. I’ve seen it so often, I don’t need to bring it.

* Garden State: for personal reasons. Just can’t watch that for awhile.

* Harry Potter 1: Cuz 3 is soooo much better.

* Jerry Maguire: “You had me at hello” – not something I need right now, although it’s such a fabulous movie. Still, if I’m gonna bring Cameron Crowe with me, I’m going with Almost Famous.

*Lord of the Rings II: for some reason, the middle one is the only one I have. Weird…

* When Harry Meet Sally: it’s scratched, and it was when I bought it for like 5 bucks when I was living in Vermont.

* Wonder Boys: One of the best films about writing. Will come along some day, but not right now.

TV shows: Both Sports Night & West Wing will probably come along. But not Sex in the City. Sorry Carrie, but I’ll take Josh Lyman.

NaBloPoMo

I haven't read all the info on this, but my friend does this every November, and in trying to become a more serious blogger, well, I think I should do it to. And since my internet will shut down in approximately 48 minutes and I have about 5 million other things I should do right now, well, I need to get crackin.

To keep this short I will say this: I think November is a fantastic month for me to try to blog every day. I will start out the month in Northern Michigan; in the middle of the month I will move everything I own back to Chicago-land, and by the end of the month, will be on my friend's couch in Toronto. That's if every thing goes according to plan, which we all know, it never does. So there isn't a more perfect month that I should document this whole "cross-roads at my life" thing.

Speaking of documentation, I would like to note, that a mouse just ran across my apartment. Time to go chase it down, pay some bills, pack some things and put my ass to bed!

Beowulf - AGAIN!

Beowulf.
I hate Beowulf.
First time around in high school - hated it. Grendel, Beowulf, grrrrr....
Second time around in Medieval Lit in college - hated it again. Sure, it's the new "amazing" edition, but grrrrr.
And now it's the movie.
I've only seen previews, but what the hell is Angelina Jollie doing in there?
I
don't want to write in all caps, because it's annoying - like Angelina
in Beowulf- so you'll just have to imagine me shouting this:
There is no female in Beowulf! Ok,
granted, I'm remembering this from high school and college, but I think
I would remember a naked woman tempting Beowulf. (Anyone else catching
theadam-eve thing, always present in medieval literature)
Beowulf is about man conquering monster. Beowulf is about man becoming legend. It is not about women.
Mostly, I hate Beowulf for creeping into my life again, because with this movie - and my hatred for Angelina Jollie in it - I will read it again.
Grrrrrr......

post script: but how awesome does "I'm Not There," the new bio-film on Bob Dylan look?
That's right; the answer is awesome!

The Fourth Question

My mom said she read my last post and had this question she would ask:

What role did you play in your broken heart?

I took a second to think, and this was my reply:

My role was two-fold.

Firstly, I should have ended it sooner. In my heart of hearts I knew it was over long before it officially ended, but I was too attached to really accept it. Holding on that long contribued to my being that much more hurt in the end. Realization from that: I recognize that I often do that; hold on to things for too long. Also, the hard but neccesary life lesson that you can fight as hard as you want for something, but wishin, and hopin, and prayin, and even fightin, just don't make it so sometimes.

Secondly, I censored myself in the relationship.
I can pinpoint exact moments when I did it, when I learned to.
I so desperately wanted to please; wanted to keep it going, that I forgot to that just being myself should be enough. I lost myself in the relationship, lost my heart, and by censoring it, contributed to it's broken state in the end.


Beyond that, I'm back in Chicago for the weekend. Should be fantastic, and will be very, very busy. Also, I resigned from my job officially, my last day will be November 16. Obviously, this is big news and probably deserves it's own posting, but it's too late for spouting about broken-hearts, jobs, and new adventures that await. One for now, the others can come later.

Three Questions

So the deal is, I asked my friend three questions. She answered, and then asked me three questions and now I answer them here. If you'd like, you can ask three questions in the comments and I'll answer them on this blog. Then I'll ask you three and you have to answer them somewhere (if you have a blog, on your blog. If not, then...I guess in the comments?). So here goes:

1.) I heart that story question, so I'm going to make you answer your own question. So Al, what's your story?

When I hear that question, or when I ask it, I antcipate a mini-history; I hear a parallel quesition of "How did you get here at this moment?" (Which is so interesting because Katie didn't answer it that way at all.)
Anyways, on with the answer:

My story? Well, I grew up in a western suburb of Chicago, went to a small liberal arts college outside Chicago where I majored in Print Journalism and got a minor in Philosophy. I then moved to Vermnot for 5 months, then moved to Michigan where I've worked for over a little over 2 years. My circle of friends from high school still make up my close circle of friends, along with people I've meet from the wilderness camp I worked at in Northern Ontario. I am currently recovering from a broken heart and am at another cross-roads in my life, which is scary but thrilling. I am a strong, funny, smart, nurotic female who likes to ask a lot of questions.

(that was a little combo of the two ways that question could be perceived I think).


2.) If you could eat only one thing for the rest of your days what would it be? If you could only read one thing? Watch one thing? Listen to one...CD?
eat: cheese
watch: the west wing
listen to: npr (1. this american life 2.wait, wait don't tell me)
one musical artist: this is a scary leep for me, but I'm gonna go with Wilco. I mean, if it's for the rest of my life, that's a long time and I think they do the best job of mashing amazing music with amazing lyrics. But David Gray or The Frames is a close second.
wait, you asked for cd: so I would go with Kicking Television by Wilco, cuz it's live, so it's got a cross collection from multiple cds.


When you imagine your future, what does it look like?

Oh god, the question of the moment isn't it!
This is what I know for certain: I am in a city. Most likely, Chicago.
Let me close my eyes and imagine it: it's impossible. Seriously, I'm just barely getting the next couple years together. I can tell you what I've learned about myself enough to know that in the future: I will be in a city, and making the best of whatever decisions I have made. I will most likely not have a lot of money, but still eating out, buying presents for friends, and traveling. That's all I got so far.

Feelin' Alright - Joe Crocker

Today was a great work day. I got to meet all the people/parents that I email every day. I was "schmoozing" with parents all day, and I was good at it. It was fun. I enjoyed getting to talk and help people.

Highlights at the end of the day were, in order:
a.) A new co-worker just sitting and hanging out with me at my desk at the end of the day, just to talk. We just got to know each other better, and that was nice.

b.) A different co-worker walking by, even later in the day; stoping at my desk to say "I just want you to know: You really shine in this position. You are this glue to the school, and you do it really well. Thank you."

c.) I had to get up alone infront of, literally, about 100 people and do a five minute intro about the junior trip I lead two weeks ago. I introduced myself - "Hello, my name is Alexandra Lastname and I am the face behind all those emails you get everyday." And they clapped.
All the parents in the audience clapped in appreciation of my work. I mean, how awesome is that. That's a pretty good day.

After that I got to watch the seniors do their presention; it was emotionally really hard. It's hard because I don't think I'll be here to watch them graduate, I don't think I can stay here to do that. And because there are so many sophomores that I think are fabulous and I won't be there to take them on their junior trip next year.

But that's the way it's gotta be. It just is. To qoute the song "feelin alright" by Joe Cocker that was used in another presentation tonight:

Seems I got to have a change of scene
Cause every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it used to be
Left here on my own or so it seems
I got to leave before I start to scream

t-shirts, faux-hawks, and happiness

1.) Why are girl's shirts cut so short? Reminder to self - next time am
buying/ordering a t-shirt, just go with the male-styled one, they look just as good on girls, if not better; I dare say, sexier.

2.) My kid, when I have one (a million years from now) will totally have a faux-hawk for the first few years of it's life. So cute I think.

3.) I think waiting to get married till your 30 has at the very least has this advantage: You do it the way YOU want to. The people I saw get married this weekend (30 & 31 years of age) know themselves well enough now to know what they want for their ceremony - which included the bride walking down the "aisle" from a trolley, an outside but still spiritual place, a tuxedo-kilt, and ending in a big party with live band AND DJ.
a.) It was great wedding, and I'll paraphrase from the groom's vows because they seemed true & from the heart that they really struck me:
"Growing-up is a process of moving away from your parents, from the support you've always known, and going out and looking for that support in other places. I believe I've found that support and love in you, and I am so excited to start our lives
together out of that love and support; I believe we can do anything..... I am happy. I am happy, I am happy.

The Perfect Weekend

9/28 - 9/30

Friday night: This week was extremely chaotic. So by friday night It was fantastic to say to my friends, "hey, I need some couch time, you're more than welcome to come over, but I need sometime at my house." And as we had all gone out the night before last and gotten pretty gone, they were cool with that.
Me, a bottle of wine, cheese & bread, knitting, a good movie, and my couch: the perfect chill night.

Saturday, even better: sleep in. Finish watching "Heroes" in my pj's from bed,
and when the power & water go out across campus, I figure it's the perfect time to go into town. I spend a solid 4 hours at the library catching up on communication and planning my future. Meijer is insane, but I get everything I need.
Back to school, talk to friends on the phone, and then go for a run. It kicks my ass a bit, but feels good none-the-less.
Perfect night: starts out late, once get to town split some cheap sushi outside meijer while having the best cup of chai tea and getting called a cheap date. From there it's time to just chill at Borders reading magazines while my "date" talks on the phone - I know this may seem rude of her, but really, I love this. I love feeling comfortable enough to just do what it is I want to do while she does the same. Awesome. Topping to the evening- a decent movies that's a total cry feast at the end. "Feast of Love" more like "Feast of Tears". Still, great, and had great life-affirming conversation in car back home.

Sunday: sleep in again, and get up just barely in time to go to church. Church was ok, it's only been so-so lately, but today, for the first time ever, I spoke. This is a big deal kinda, but it was fine. Talk to family, chill at borders again waiting for library to open.
Have now spent another solid 4 hours at the library figuring out my future, making
decisions, writing up things for work, and getting this blog written. Now it's off to Borders to seriously get my read on with Entertainment Weekly. From there, no doubt another meijer run for groceries, maybe a run, and a night of finishing up knitting a
baby hat - just in time, the baby was born last night! What a great ending to the perfect weekend

Top Five John Cusack

I’m going to find John Cusack and marry him. He’s so quirky and
perfect. Cute, personable, gainfully employed – most of the time, loves
you completely even when he’s totally heartbroken – which seems to be
frequently. He has fantastic taste in music and wears hisRamones t-shirt whenever possible. He’s articulate, intelligent; I never really get to see his scary side cuz
I don’t watch those movies, but every relationship needs balance and
some time apart, so his scary movies can still be in his life. And,
he’s a Chicago man. It’s destiny. He’s not a red-head, but you can’t
win them all, and for goodness sake, he’s JohnCusack, what’s not to love.

Post-Script

Top Five John Cusack Movies
1. High Fidelity
2. Grosse Pointe Blank
3. Say Anything
4. Being John Malkovitch
5. Con Air
Sub Category: Top Five John Cusack rom-coms:
1. Say Anything
2. High Fidelity
3. Grosee Pointe Blank
4. Must Love Dogs
5. Serendipity

sidenote:
would love to put Midnight in the Garden of Good & Evil somewhere
in there, because it's an amazing book, and as stated in this post - I
love JohnCusack- but it just doesn't make the cut of Top Five, still, it gets in with a "side-note".

The Frames - burn the maps

There’s a certain magic in buying an album. There’s the magic of finding it, of purchasing it, unwrapping it and finally getting it open. You have to savor the magic, which is why I don’t put it in until I know I have some time to truly, and hopefully, enjoy the first listen.

It comes from that first listen in the car as you start to drive, start turning up the volume as your ears want more. The love of a good album springs from this magic as scenery passes by your window, as the words of songs seem to speak directly to you and you marvel, as with any love, how you’ve only just found it now.

When I started playing the drums on the steering-wheel, I knew I’d fallen hard. I play the drums/steering-wheel not for every band, for some. But with this band, I knew it was serious. Not a school-girl crush, not a “fav band of the moment”, this is one of those bands where I think I could own everyone of their albums.

Maybe I’m just rebounding, falling too fast, but having a new band to be excited about – I mean come on, rebound or not – it’s magical.

"Reaper" excitment

Oh my goodness, whose excited that Kevin Smith is directing a live-action television show?
Me! Me!
It's called "Reaper," and I admit I was sceptical. But I watched some trailers, and my scepticism has diminished;
I am converted and excited. I love Kevin Smith stuff, and this looks
good. Only thing: it had to be on the CW? Dunno if that's gonna be a
good thing or bad thing in the long-run, but it seems sketchy.

It has to be said again by the way - I love NPR. Wait, Wait don't tell me & This American Life rock my world.

My Future's so bright...

...I think I need shades.

I'm becoming overwhelmed by the possiabilities that lay before me. ( I know, oh woe is me, but chalk it up to white privlege, and let me just ramble for a second.)
I've come to the reality that I want to go to grad school; it was hard to accept, but I'm pretty sure it's what I want. But what do I want to do? It's college all over again, it's making this decision that I feel like will affect the rest of my life and it just feels so scary.

What brought me to these thoughts tonight were the ghosts of memories loaming around every corner. Dinner at a friends house, the drive home, talk of times and places that are now part of my past. I won't work there again, I'm no longer with that person. My past is done, my ties are severed. I am in the perfect position to start over where-ever I want, doing what-ever I want.

And it's totally terrifying.

The thing is, I used to revel in this kind of adventure - or at least, I thought I did. I always wanted to be that person who could pick up and do anything, go anywhere. But one of the things about getting older and finding things out about myself is that, well, I don't really think that's who I am. At least not anymore. That situation sounds so completely scary. I realize the appeal of Michigan is that, at least I know what I'm doing.
As I write that, I realize it's also what I told myself for years leading canoe trips. I liked taking the rivers I knew - a canoe trip is hard enough, why have the added anxiety of not knowing the terrian?
But that thinking kept me to the rivers and lakes I was used to. (oh man, I'm quoting TLC now! Anyone else catcht it? Anyone?)

So I need to do the terrifying thing now. I'm doing that with a new job, and it's turning out great. Now I need to do it on a even grander scale - with the rest of my life. Figure out exactly what it is that I want, and where I want to go to get it.
Right, ok, so, where do I start....

Running in The City

I had my first scary/not-so-safe running experience on Monday.
1.) If I go over 3 miles, I always try to run in The City. It’s about a 40 minutes drive from where I live, but my run is so much better that it’s totally worth it to drive in. Plus, I run errands in town.
a.) The City is, really, the safest city ever. I don’t know that for sure, or any statistics or anything, but in two years of living in the area I have never once felt unsafe or seen any kind of crime.

That being said:
I was about a mile into my run, when a guy in his mid 50s to early 60s passed me on his bike. He passed me, but then seemed more to loop around me.
“Do you like karaoke?” the man asks.
“Umm, Sure, I guess so” I say, thinking this guy was going to give me some flyer or something.
“There’s karaoke tonight at Bob’s Bar at 9:00” he says.
“Great” I say, still running.
“I’ll buy you a beer if you go,” he offers.
I try to remain ambiguous because I can see this going down poorly either way I answer; if it’s no, he’ll say why not or harass me more, and there’s just no way I’m saying yes to this guy. Even if I did say yes, it won’t guarantee that this guy is gone, it may just encourage him to keep following me.
My ambiguous answers are getting me no where though, cuz he starts asking “Well, are you gonna go?” and seems a little pissed about it.
At this point, I’ve reached the local Co-Op, so I just reply again “I dunno,” and duck into the parking lot. My next plan was going to be to go into the bathroom at the Co-Op, but when I turned around in the parking lot and Bike Guy was gone. I stood there for awhile, and people in the parking lot where looking at me funny. I just told them that the guy on the bike was bothering me and asking to buy me a beer, and the nice people in the parking-lot just said to “Yell if you need help” as I continued on my run.

I did a little over 4 miles, and with out music – which I must say, is some serious dedication. Still, I think my “list of things I need on a run” should be:
*Spandex shorts
*Shorts over spandex short
*Shirt/tank don’t mind sweating in
*Lots of hair ties
*Headphones
*I-pod
*I-pod holder
*Pepper Spray

Fashion Faux-Pas: Professional vs. Personal

I’m struggling with what to wear to work. I need to look professional but I want to remain true to my punk-rock roots. Ok, true, I have no punk-rock roots, I’m from the suburbs, that’s virtually impossible. But I do want to stay style-true; to what’s been deemed my “personal style”.

I’ve been able to wear whatever I wanted for the past two years really, I mean, I still needed to look presentable and able to tell kids what to do with them still taking me seriously. But really, I was able to let my personal style shine through; aka – wear jeans and a t-shirt.

But now I’m a 9 to 5-er, well, since I work in the education sector, I’m a 8 to 4-er.(Although most days, let’s be honest teachers, it’s a 8- 5, 8 – 6, 8 till way too late job) And I work at the front desk of an office, so I not only need to look presentable, but also professional. But I hate to lack style. I was asking one of my male co-workers, cuz he’s a friend and been in the office for sometime now, what the dress code was for us, do we have “casual Fridays”? Answer is no, the headmaster hates casual Fridays (bummer by the way) and his response was “Basically, I wear all the time – khaki pants, and some kind of polo shirt.” Well that’s all fine and good for boys, they got it easy. And I suppose I could do the same thing, but, who wants to own 5 polo shirts? Let alone, wear 5 polo shirts. (Unless they are retro- 70s or 80s stripped polo shirts. But those again, not necessarily “professional”). And I understand; there are other, subtle things I can do to "be me" - jewelery, hair, make-up, shoes (although, that's hard to, I'm struggling with wither or not to give up my sandles, converse, and rocket-dogs).

Mostly, I bring this up, because of my outfit today, which I think I’m going to run home at lunch and change. I have a fabulous skirt, it’s long and black and totally professional, but has some rousing, so it’s still got some style. It’s a million degrees in the office this week (and thus why I am wearing the skirt in the first place), so I want to be able to wear some-kind of tank top with it. This is tricky, mostly because of my ample bust. I can’t wear something too revealing, especially because it’s a high-school and we’re trying to get the teenage girls to not do that either. So, your typical tank is out, I need something that’s higher cut. Which I have, and it’s one of my favorite shirts, it’s blue and got flowers all over it – kind of multi-media, because their printed on and sewn on. But it’s also rather tight. I haven’t even worn it in months, because I felt like I wasn’t really pulling it off. But with the running (6 miles last night), I’m feelin pretty good.

But earlier today, a group of boys were sitting in front of my desk and one whose always funny and you can never tell if he even has a serious side, but at the same time does have a sincere punk-rock side, he said “hey, I like your shirt.” Which, he very well might have meant, but he also could have mean “hey, I like that your rack looks awesome in that shirt.” Hard to tell, could be me over-analyzing and being paranoid. Could be true. Either way, I think I’m gonna go home and put on a white tank under a another white tank just to be safe (and cuz those are the only colors I have). White top & black bottoms – awesome, I’ll look just like a waiter.

Chicago II

I know I haven't been blogging in forever, but I just need to skip the preamble about why, what's been going on since then, etc, and just get this thought that's been buzzing in my head for about two weeks now:

Chicago did not make it easy to leave. Dinner and late night fun with friends, driving along Lake Shore Drive while listening to "Sound Opinions" on the radio as fire-works are shot into the sky from Navy Pier. Even the traffic was ok. It was not easy to leave the city.

Chicago

Chicago - I love you. I've left you to see other parts of the world, but I always return. It is you I love first. I am considering making you my home. I make no promises. I can't. I'm not in a place to make promises. But never doubt my love.

It's Lake Shore Drive. It's lightening above a sky-scrapper. It's the radio stations. It's Lake Michigan. It's Buckingham Fountain. It's the two story Dominicks on the corner. It's the news reporter and the camera guy crossing the street. It's the rain.

All you have to do is drive down Lake Shore Drive late at night, turn up the radio, and take in the mememory you are creating. It's catalogued into the millions of other times you've done this. Never-the-less, this time, as with every other, it feels special. It's beauty.

fanatic (fan-addict)

There are so many movies to be excited about for the fall -
"Ira & Abby" - because Kissing Jessica Stein was awesome
"Dan In the Real World" - because who doesn't love Steve Carrell, and even better, when he plays someone with real soul. (kinda like Adam Sandler; sure he's great just being funny, but he's even better when he's funny and real, a la "Spanglish" or "Reign Over Me"
"My Kid Could Paint That" - because you know you've wondered the same thing about abstract art and the movie just looks like it could spark such a great discussion after you've watched it.
"Lars and the Real Girl" - because Ryan Gosling is a actor/genius, thee actor of his generation, and the whole ensemble cast looks equally compelling, maybe even including and because of the blow-up doll
Even a little excited about "Resurrecting the Champ" - despite it's based-on-a-true-story - and - you -can -predict-how -it's- gonna -end - from -the -trailer feel, sometimes, those movies are just plain enjoyable.

Granted, I may be going to some of these movies alone this fall. But I'm living so far North that I'm not even sure if some of these will get to a theatre near me, and who knows what the future will bring. Plus, if they are as good as they look, going it alone doesn't matter.

StartDust

It may be a sign that I am extremely shallow, and naïve, but movies have an incredible impact on me. I just came back from seeing the movie StarDust. Now, I should preface that is a fantasy movie. This film has no basis in reality. That being said; there is a soliloquy that Claire Danes gives on falling in love that moved me.  Granted, she’s giving it to her true love who has just been turned into a rodent, and she doesn’t think he can understand her (the kind of vulnerability I can relate to: only given when you think no one is looking). But beyond that, I was sitting there in my movie theatre seat, as broken hearted and cynical as I am, my heart and mind - which are never of the same beat - both recalling “Yes, that is what it was like.”
And like that, there was hope. Ok, not just like that. I may be shallow, but a scene from a movie isn’t going to totally change my heart. I just recall that hope was there all along. Broken, bruised, blacked as it may feel. It will be whole and shine again, someday.
So here, publicly to Katie – because let's be honest, your probably the only one besides my mom that reads this – I take it back. The broken-hearted soliloquy I gave of my own; renouncing romantic love and disavowing that it was worth anything; I take it back. I am back to being a naïve romantic, vowing to never again lose my glorious self in another, only to let my love be mirrored by someone who loves it. I have faith – at least until the StarDust fades.

radio in my head

One of the first things I do in the morning is identify the song playing through my head as I patter, bleary-eyed, from my bed to the rest of my apartment. Lately, as soon as I’ve identified it (this can be the hardest part) I go to my laptop and play it. It started out a couple weeks ago with Justin Timberlake. That could be because of the wedding, which played Justin per our request, but the song that was in my head in the morning was Summer Love, not played at the wedding. Still, good morning song.
It ranges though, from the likes of Justin Timberlake to Lilly Allen to Keane to, this morning, Wilco. I’ve been avoiding the band Wilco a little bit, for personal reasons. But this morning, Company In My Back, was loud and clear in my brain. And I have to say, since I usually continue listening to the artist once I’m done with that first song, that Wilco is such a great
band.
Again, like with Justin, I have theories as to why Wilco will no longer be ignored and made its why into my waking self. But in the end, they’re just theories and over-analizations, because who knows why certain songs play from one’s sleeping self to the waking one?
Who knows, but I do enjoy the radio in my head.

light

There are lots of things I want to blog about, to tell you all about. Between the last time I blogged and now a lot of things have changed, and still, a lot of things the same.
But that’s all heavy stuff. And my last post was titled that, so how about some lighter fare?!
*I’ve watched this new tv show on Bravo (usually I hate reality shows, but on Bravo, I get totally hooked) called “Flipping Out”. The main guy the show is about has some serious OCD – not the touch-the –door-five-times kind, but the obsessively-neat kind. There’s a part of the pilot where he talks about his love of/need to make lists. It was at this point in the show that I realized, a little more than I’d like to admit, that I am similiat to this guy.
*I’ve been downloading all my music onto my new computer and have, among other things, re-discovered these things:
- The band Sublime is fucking awesome
- While sitting down doing other things the song Origami by Ani DiFranco hit me. The way some songs just have that impact, out the blue, when your not paying attention.
- Imogen Heap is so amazing, her music is so moving. I can't explain if its just nostalgia or not, but either way, it's good.
*After working continually since Thursday night and having company this weekend, by 5 tonight I was fried, so I sat on my couch and just read my two favorite magazines: Entertainment Weekly & Real Simple.
*I love Real Simple magazine. Look at these cool things I found in this months issue:
- Bottle Top Tripod, so you can be in the picture too!
- I don't even really like brownies all that much, but this is just such a cool idea! Not to mention, great recipes and good articles in Real Simple. I bought a subscription for my ex-boyfriend's Mom last year, but maybe this year I'll ask for it myself. Same goes for Entertainment Weekly really.

Heavy

A couple things I've been thinking upon over the past couple weeks:

1.) I love NPR and PRI. Seriously, I've been listening to my fav National Public Radio shows while working in my window-less office a lot lately, and it makes my whole day. All Things Considered, Talk of the Nation, Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, This American Life. I love you all.



2.) I am extremely excited to get back to my lovely city of Chicago at the end of this week. I feel like I've been forced to try and love it where I'm currently living. I mean, I've been the one forcing it; I've been looking for all the things I love about living up North. There are reasons. But I was emailing a friend of a friend from Chicago this week about Harry Potter. I thought he wasn't a fan, but turns out he was. He's a big movie - buff over all, and in emailing back and forth I realize I miss that. It may seem shallow, but I don't think it is. (Name that movie "Dave and Barry and I decided awhile ago that it's not what you are like, but what you like that makes a good relationship. Call me shallow, but it's the fucking truth " - hint, I've blogged about it before, and that quote may not be totally accurate) Up north, I just haven't found friends who enjoy pop culture, or really, I think, culture in general, as much as I do. I've been thinking of where I was in my life before I left the city, and I was really just discovering it. Going to free Latin music shows and then out to bars every week, going to movies, going to a new restaurant and meeting new people at parties all the time. I miss that. I miss friends who like the same thing that I do. Bands, movies, book-stores. This week I went to the movies by myself. I was excited for tonight because I had a friend who was going to go to the movies with me, but I just got a text that said "Can we go to the movies tomorrow? I need to go drink heavily". And it's not that I'm against heavy drinking, now that I think if it, I could use a stiff drink myself. But I miss the days of when drowning your sorrows in drinking heavily also meant listening to a band you love or eating a large bag of over-priced popcorn.



3.) I realize as well, that I was seriously depressed over the past year. I feel bad, and like apologizing to people in my life. I don't know exactly when it started, but I realize over the course of the past year I started sleeping more and more, I fell out of touch with friends, and over-all was not myself. The past couple weeks have been hard, but at least I feel like I've found myself again. A couple weeks ago a new friend pointed out during a conversation that "the thing about depression is that you don't really realize how depressed you were, until your not depressed any more. When you're in it, you don't even really know it."

I very much feel that way now. I'm not in it now, but I realize I was in deep in it for a extended period of time, and thank you so much to those friends who have kept up with me none-the-less.

Filling the Void

I’ve been doing everything I can to fill time. I wake up early and the days go by quickly, but once four oclock hits, and I’m out the officce door, I feel this black void pressing in. As a friend put it yesterday, I’m”re-organizing my schedule”. If the weathers good, I go straight to the beach. I fill the void of “what to do now?” every day around 4 & 8. It’s like I’m just waiting for it to be dark so I don’t feel so lame for being in my apartment. Anyways, even with this void staring me in the face, I feel so busy these days. So busy that even though I have tons of things I’ve wanted to blog about, I haven’t been able to! But, I’ve decided to put aside any other projects and just sit here and put it out there, lucky you! My love for Harry Potter knows now bounds. My void of “what should I do tonight?” on wednesday was filled by going to the new movie. It was opening night, and I love going to opening nights. If there was a midnight show in my area, I probably would have gone. Opening nights for movies are great, becasue when a movie is popular enough to have a midnight showing, it means there is a whole culture that belongs to that movie. Price of the movie - too much, price of watching all the fans gather for their own cultural event - priceless. Anways, i didn’t go to the midnight show, but I showed my devotion my going by myself. I haven’t gone to the movies by myself for a long time, and it was harder than I antcipated. Still, the movie was worth it. It’s not a perfect movie, and it’s not the best representation of the book, but I think it did a good job. I won’t say anything more to ruin it for you other potter fans (katie), but I think it did a great job of taking the themes of the book and making them into a movie and not a direct play-by-play of the book. Question though: The trailers included “Enchanted” a Disney movie and “The Bourne Ultimatium” (also can’t wait!) wihch is Warner Brothers, like Harry Potter. A Disney movie and a WB movie being pitched within the screen time? What has happened to the universe??? The fact that I notice this type of thing makes me a super geek. I’ve realize this. Last week I bought a Entertainment Weekly (double issue! Sweet!!!!), and have been saving it for beach time. I realize that I am a geek, just by virtue of “saving” to read it, and the fact that when I do read it, I read almost every article. A couple years ago, I went to my college mailbox and found a Entertainment Weekly. A friend bought me a subscription for a year, and I’ve been thinking on it, and remembering that it was one of my favorite presents. By the by, this week during “what to do, what to do” time and rode my bike all the way around the little lake. I added it up and it was 15 miles. Go me. And the night only got better from there, after a shower I met friends in town and filled the void of time till 2 am! Not every night has been like that, but I like it that way. I'm not a 2 am-er everynight, but it makes the nights I stay in seems well spent, and makes the nights I go out seem worth-while. Variety is the spice of life.

Likes & Dislikes

Today is ending the way it started: dark and stormy. Which is fine with me. For one thing, storms are fun. I got home late last night, but I still got up early this morning, and the storm kept me up once I awoke. So I went to church. Weird, but true. Even weirder is that I went to Quaker church. I can’t explain my pull to this church, but one of the things about it is that you can just sit there and be. And I like that.

Another thing I like is watching the corn grow. Every time I go to town the corn seems to be getting taller, and I like that.

Thing I don’t like: when you go to the gas station and they say “welcome to Meijer pump number 10!” What are you supposed to do?! It’s not like you can say “Ahh thanks Meijer, how you doin’ today?” back to the pump. I hate it. Not to mention, as a anxious person, the sudden unexpected noise makes me jump a little.

July 5, 2004

Lots of things to talk about.
First of all, right after I wrote that update on my neck - the swelling went down dramatically. There’s still pain in my shoulder/back muscles, but the bump is down significantly I think.

Secondly: Yesterday was the Fourth Of July. I haven’t been in the States for Independence Day in, at the very least 6 years, I’m gonna guess it’s more like 10 years. I have to say, I had a fabulous holiday. During the winter you can maybe find 50 people in my town at one time. Yesterday I went into town, and had to walk 1/2 a mile just to get into town because I was forced to park away so far. I got into town and was shocked, shocked I tell you, to see all the people lined up on main street (ok, pretty much the ONLY street) for the parade. It was so fun. I ran into a friend or two, and then just sat myself on the ground and watched the cars go by as kids from cars/floats tossed candy to kids lining the street.

I celebrated the rest of the holiday by deep cleaning my apartment. And that night, celebrated the good-ol-american way: I went and saw fireworks. Now maybe I just haven’t seen fireworks in so long, or maybe my friend who said they the town I went to had the best fireworks in the county was right, but I was simply amazed by the fireworks. I went to the waterfront by myself and there was a MASS of people, double or even triple the size from the parade, and I just plopped myself down in the middle of all of then to stare in wonder at the sky. Fireworks are a wonder, they were amazing to watch and I really enjoyed getting to just sit and enjoy them.

Thirdly, lastly for you who have hung in there and read all this; I just finished watching Scrubs Season 1. Which is also fun. I’d like to point out this dorky fact: the guy on the show who plays Franklin (I think he’s only in like 1 or 2 episode) is the actor who now plays Hiro on Heroes. Yep, I’m the kinda geek that notices that sort of thing.


July 3, 2007

I need to toughen up. Or rather, I need to learn how to not wear my heart on my sleeve. I’ve always been bad at this. People can tell my mood, tell what’s going on with me, just by looking at me. Sometimes I’m sure this is positive, but really, it’s a bad thing probably. I need to learn to hide what’s going on. Toughen Up.

sleeplessness

I had nightmares last night. I haven't had nightmares in awhile. I usually have nightmares when I watch scary tv shows or movies, the last time I remember having nightmares was Halloween when I watched "Shawn of the Dead." Yes, I know it's a comedy, but that's how fearful I am of Zombies. Zombies, Ghosts, things that go bump in the dark - just about anything that can jump out at you in the night, I'm afraid of it. And the visuals of these things gets into my psyche and I have nightmares at nights when I watch them. So in general, I avoid scary stuff.
Which is why it's weird that I had nightmares last night, because I haven't watched anything scary in some time. But I haven't been sleeping well at all over the past week. I've been sleeping horribly all night till the sun comes up, I can clear my mind, and then I sleep fine for a couple hours. Last night, I think there were ghosts in my dreams, but mostly the nightmare was permeated with a sense of dread and fear. Not so fun.
I was especially looking forward to a good-nights sleep, because I'd worn myself out yesterday afternoon. Around 8 at night I decided it was time for bike ride. I thought I could make it around the local lake, but didn't realize that I was biting off more than I could chew, or rather, bike. Still, in total, I biked 11 miles last night.
And this afternoon, after I leave work, I'm hoping to go for a run. 3 miles, but enough to get the blood flowing.
Side note: I've started "Swingers", another possibly sad movie that has me in stitches. Because it, like "High Fidelity" is, just so, good. Or money I should say. It's shot so well, and the general "mise-en-scene" (spelling on that?) is right on. It's based in truth, and the dialogue, and the music, and actors, all combine to make it another fantastic, time-less film.
oh yes, and before I forget: update on my surgery: It's been hurting a bit more lately. Just tingly and frustrating in the muscle connecting my neck and shoulder. Also, i feel like it still looks huge, the bump, but everyone assures me that it will be weeks before the swelling goes down.

pop

JUNE 29:
The night before last I pumped myself up to go running, but yesterday things just happened one after the other and i didn’t go. Yesterday the weather also turned much cooler, so it’s perfect for running. This morning, I went. 3 miles.
And it was awesome, and I ‘m planning on going again tomorrow.

“What came first, the music or the misery?
People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, like some sort of culture of violence will take them over.
Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands, of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss.
Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?”
This is the opening scene to one of my all time top five favorite movies, High Fidelity, which I’ve been meaning to watch one over the past couple days. I’ve been wanting to watch it, it’s been on my mind, and yet, I’ve been putting it off, because I thought it would just end up being depressing and sad. But I’m sitting here watching it, and it hasn’t been sad to watch at all. I find myself saying all the lines, for one thing because they’re so good, and just because I know them so well. It’s not sad, it’s comforting. The way this movie talks about music, I realize that I feel that way about movies. I feel like it’s an old friend in my living room; having a great conversation with a good friend - the way a beloved album feels like a friend whose always there for you. And it’s not just the lines I find myself saying along, but the music too, which is just so perfect.



6.27.07 Best line from the Daily Show: If fox news wanted to do actual fake news, it would report the real news! (or something like that)- Lewis Black.

FYI - less than a month till harry potter & the deathly hallows comes out!
even less time till the 5th movie, Transformers, and Bourne Ultimatum comes out! can’t wait!

speaking of transformers: i have a question. Now, I was a child of the 80s, but really, I was born in the early 80s and my brain wasn’t truly appreciating pop culture till the 90s. So maybe I just wasn’t paying attention, but I can’t remember how transformers started. I mean, is the movie taking on the true presence of the movie, the actual reason there are transformers? Because I think that the movie says that transformers are some kind of alien that has come to planet earth. Was that the case with the original? Or in the original did, you know, they just, exist? There was no “beginning” or reason why transformers came to be. I can’t remember. someone, please leave a comment and tell me!

too much tv

Isn’t ABC owned by Disney? I’ve been watching tv - bad tv on ABC. Right now I’m watching Super Nanny (yeah, that’s right, and I like the show, so there). And Super Nanny on ABC makes sense -it’s about family, and raising kids, etc. It’s a family show. But before Super Nanny, there was this show, I dunno what it’s called, but something like Ex-wives show or something. But it was people getting over spouses who treated them like shit. I guess this is a family show, but it was a little weird. And then there’s advertisements for Family Secrets (a show about revealing secrets in a family) and Extreme Makeover. And, as I’ve mentioned before - Extreme HOME makeover, is my favorite tear-jerker show - but Extreme Makeover is plastic surgery making over PEOPLE. It kinda freaks me out.
I got into a thing once with one of my friends here about plastic surgery. I’m kinda against it - I think, people are beautiful the way they are. She says - some people can’t move past a physical attribute and getting plastic surgery helps them just accept themselves. Which I get. I understand that - i have physical things I can’t get past. But I’d also like to hope, that someday, I can accept my beautiful self. I dunno, it’s an interest debate. Feel free to add your thoughts.

Speaking of your beautiful self - get your fabulous self down to Victoria Secrets - it’s their semi-annual sale. I had to go to get something for my to-be-married friend’s shower. I did get something for her, but of course, also got myself some new underwear, because really, new underwear is just the best. Not only when your feelin low, but any ol-time - go out and get a new pair of undies.

one last P.S. - how cool is Paul McCartney? Not just, cuz you know, he’s a Beatle, or because he’s knighted (he is, right?), but because in the latest ipod+itunes commercial,he just looks cool. The straight black suit, the converse all-stars. God, I love that look. Even, maybe even especially, on a Beatle.
And: is that a Wilco song on a Volkswagen commercial? ( I need to go to bed, I may be watching too much tv).

summer daze

once moving into my own place and no longer going to the cafeteria, I’ve discovered that I’m a good cook. And that I love doing it. This excites me, because if I start off as a pretty good cook, as the summer keeps going and I keep cooking, I’m only gonna get better.

And the summer has started off pretty well. An example of how good it’s started, here was my day yesterday:
woke up early at 8, went to work at 9, which consisted of sitting at a desk and answering some questions but mostly reading and knitting for two hours. After that, I did a whole bunch of running around getting canoe trailers hitched to vans, and catering to alumni whom, once I had run around like crazy, I took on a canoe trip down the river.
When we got to the river, I got into my kayak and saw a big fat turtle swimming around me. I went ahead so I could be the first one out of the river and make sure everyone got out at the right spot, but also just so I could bust ahead and kayak on my own for two hours. It was great. Saw lots of fish, and despite a lot of drunk floating tourists on the river, it was really peaceful.
Got back to campus, ran around getting trailers off vans, showered, and had just enough time to run to the local grocery store to get stuff to make an appetizer for a house-warming party.
Went to the party last night, which was a smash, as was my appetizer (again, re-enforcing that I’m a great cook!). I feel like I’ve made new friends with the people whose house we were warming, and the house it-self was inspiring. It is an old farm house, with barns and even an old gas-pump in the yard. The couple who lived there, the husband - his dad was born in the house. They kept the original cabinets in the house, which were built by his grandfather. But they re-did so much in the house too, it’s very modernized - new slate counters over the cabinets, walls knocked down to make a move live-able living room, fresh paint and new windows and fire-place. So the house was pretty amazing, and the party was really fun too.

Today was pretty good too- slept in pretty late, cleaned, went to town to get groceries, talked to my mom on the phone, made myself dinner - which was really spicy, but still delicious. I watched my favorite cry-fest show, “Extreme Home Makeover” - and yeah,I cried. There was still an hour of light out, and after my dinner & cry-inducing show, I decided to get off the couch and go for a bike ride. I went about 6 miles to the next “town” (not really so much a town, as a cluster of preserved old buildings from a now abandoned but historic Coast Guard post) having a little race with a fox along the way. As I got the old Coast Guard post, I saw a deer cross my path, and then got to the beach and saw the sun-set. On my way out, the deer was still there.
Just on my way back into town, getting a little lonely despite all my animal encounters, I looked at my phone and had text messages to find some from my friends at the local bar. I stopped by, had a beer. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something about a friend with my friend - he creeped me out a little bit. So I just had one beer, and when said I was leaving, creepy kid asked why, I made up some reason, and my girl friend who was there said “oh, he thinks your pretty, he said so in the car on the way here.” (we'd met earlier on my way out to town). So, even though it’s from a somewhat creepy kid, being called pretty at the end of the day, is still a nice thing. And I could have gone oun to the next bar, and on to the bonfire for the rest of the night, but I’m content with the one beer and coming back to my place and typing up this blog.
How lucky for you!

surgery went fine. i'm a little sore, especially while turning my neck or lifting stuff, but other than that, it all went well and I'm feeling good.
I haven't ran in weeks. Did obtain a bike, and before surgery, was loving it.
I'm in the process of moving, and since my new place doesn't have Internet access, I'm also in the process of figuring out how I'm going to blog (and check my email, check my bank account, stay in general contact with people...) so for a little while,I might be even less likely to be posting something.
But for now - my surgery was fine and i'm lovin the summer.

update on running:
I haven't run in weeks. And I'm ok with that. I've started riding my bike into town a lot, not that it's very far, but that's been my main physical activity. Not much, I know. But like I said. I'm ok with that. It's summer. Your more physical just from the change in the season.
update on the love hump:
surgeon said it's a fatty tissue build-up (there's some medical term, but I can hardly spell non-medical words, let alone some long surgical thing) and he scheduled a in-&-out surgery to get it out. It's for next week; a week from yesterday. I call into the surgery center the day before, they tell me when to come in the next day. It's only gonna take about a 1/2 hour the surgeon said, but I do have to be "put under" - but thank god really, cuz your not coming at me with any needles or knives without my being unconscious for it. I'll have about a 4 - 5 inch scar horizontal across my neck/back, and it'll be prominent probably for about two weeks and then will fade over the course of a year. I can't take any ibuprofen, tylenol, etc for the next week (- it thins your blood-) and the night before the surgery no eating or drinking after midnight. So, for now, as far as updates go, no blood-thinners and waiting around till next week when I go under.

I swear, I am going to blog soon.
Technically, I'm blogging right now.
But it's also 1:47 AM (how did that happen!) and I plan on retiring to my bed soon, so I'm going to finish this blog now.
Just know - there has been an update on my "hump", it's ok, and that everyday I write on my to-do list: "blog"

update on the update

Firstly, this has not been a fun day.
Secondly, I did go for a run after I wrote the first update blog of the day. It's 81 degrees, very sunny, and my run was very hot. I went 3 miles.

I just got another call from the doctor's office. They explained how they had made that CAT-scan appoitment for me, but then the insurance company was contacted and they gave the doctors office the "run around" (i think that's code for "they won't pay for it"). So, the doctors office has gone ahead and made me an appoitment with a surgeon. Apparently, the insurance will pay for a consultantion with a surgeon, but not a CAT-scan to see what it actually is that the surgeon would be taking out.
I've gone from cat-scan to surgeon. This day is sucky.

update

this is a pre-running a blog - aka, a procrastinating running blog.

Just wanted to give an update on the love hump: The doctor's office finally called (at 5:00pm on Monday - almost a full week after I went in) and the X-rays show us nothing.
Not all that surprising.
So, the doctor's office said they made me an appointment with the CAT-scan place, but being the nice people that they are, they assumed nights would be better, which since I work at night, they are not. So I had to call the place and re-schedule.
Next update on the "mass over C-7" will be after my Cat-scan, on May 30th.


ok, now I gotta go run.

one if by foot, two if by bike

I have many things buzzing around my head to blog about (home, college town, bridal shower, etc) but since i ACTUALLY went running today, I think I should first blog about that.

My mom wanted to ride her bike and somehow she got me to go running with her, cuz we didn't have two bikes. SO i went, for the first time since Monday, and it was really good. It felt good to get out there I guess, it was kinda hard, but not terribly so. It was interesting to be on a bike path and in a park and have no idea how far I was going. When I got back home i went to a website (again,if I were cool and had more motivation to figure it out and weren't so fearful that I would end up just losing all that I've written, I would put a link right here) called : www.gmap-pedometer.com and figured out how far I went. Ends up, I went about 3 miles. Pretty good for not having run in a week and not knowing how far I went, i thought it was shorter than that, so I'm proud. Now lets see if I go tomorrow.

Even better after my run though, I took my mom's bike out for a spin. A 4.5 route, that made me kinda sweaty. The bike thing was kinda a test -run about getting a bike. My mom's is a road bike (vs. a mountain bike) and I like it, because to be honest, I don't see myself doing many sweet jumps off roading, or really, off roading in general. The interesting thing about biking was realizing that I can see myself enjoying it more out "in the country" - aka, back in Michigan. This is because, I would get going on the bike, and then have to slow down for cars at stop signs before crossing streets, or turning corners. Out in the country, I could get some speed on the road, and just keep going. The bike did really work my legs, although maybe the inside of my legs a little too much - I have the feeling my inner thighs may kill tomorrow. None-the-less, it's definitely got me thinking about getting a bike.

11:50 pm central time/12:50 am eastern time

i am very cranky.

and I can't seem to sleep, even though I am also very tired.
not being able to sleep is adding to my crankiness.
being cranky is adding to my lack of sleep.

I am very cranky.
That is all.



ps.
but I do love studio 60 on my ipod

my love hump

I had to go to the doctors yesterday. Technically, I've had to go to the doctors for at least a year now, but I actually went yesterday. I have this thing, this, I don't know how else to describe it, - it's a hump. I have a hump on the back of my neck. It's this big bump that sits right where my neck meets my shoulders. It looks like I got whacked in the back of the neck with a baseball or something.
And as far as I can remember, it's been there about a year. Yes, I should have gotten it checked out then, when I was first made away of it. Yes, I have been to the doctor's office in the past year, but I forgot to ask about it; because, you know, it's on my back, so it's not like I see it every day.
But I am starting to notice it - in pictures taken of me I can see it, my neck is starting to ache all the time and I think it's from my head being pushed up against the hump when I sleep at night. For these reasons, and concerns for my health and the mystery of the hump, I went to the doctor yesterday.
It's a scary thing going to the doctor for a lump that you don't know what it is. And I would say that's more scary leaving the doctor's office and still not knowing what a lump is, except for that was the outcome I expected (I mean, what is the Dr. REALLY going to do at this point, just lay her hands on me and instantly know what's wrong with me? doubt it).
The doctor felt around on my neck and back and the lump (it feels kinda hard and unmovable to the touch) and said it felt like a "some medical word I don't know what it is". I asked "what's that" - and she said, a "fatty tissue deposit". But there's really no way to know for certain. So I needed to get x-rays, and if those don't tell us what it is, then I will need to get a cat-scan. And from there we will hopefully know what it is, and will move accordingly from there.
So I walked out of the doctor's office with a piece of paper with her horrible doctor's hand-writing (seriously, the stereotype has it's base in fact!) down the street about two blocks to the Professional Building at the hospital. (Cool thing about my doctor's office/the hospital in the "big city" hear here: it used to be an old insane asylum. It was open from the 1890s - the 1980s and the buildings that aren't repaired are totally creepy and cool. They opened the very modern and medical hospital on the same grounds/right near the old mental hospital, and now the old mental buildings are being renovated to become office - like for my doctor - restaurants, condos, and a retirement center. It's very cool). So I was able to walk myself over from my doctor's office over to the back of the Professional Building, where I handed over my piece of paper and was registered with the hospital.
I was asked the typical - for ID & health-care card, my address, my phone number, sign this waver. But it's also so weird to ask be asked to give a name of someone in case of emergency, and not give my mom's name, because my mom is 6 hours away, and what is she gonna do if I collapse in the radiology room? Another question in case I for some reason collapse in the hospital - do I have any religious preference? I replied that I did not.
After answering questions, working with the woman to decipher what the doctor had actually written for what I needed to get x-rayed ("mass over C1- T7" , not "pass on T1-C7" - by the way that C1- T7 stuff means the number of vertebra that they needed to get x-rayed, my hump rests right above vertebra seven where the neck vertebra meets the back vertebra, which I think is totally fascinating. ) I was to put the paperwork in that now resided in a folder into the radiology shelving unit on my way to the woman's dressing room. Where I changed from my waist up into a lovely blue polka dot patterned gown that only tied behind my neck, took off my earrings, my glasses, and sat and read my book before a nurse came and took me down the hospital hallways filled with empty wheelchairs and medical machinery to a very beige room filled with giant beige colored medical instruments.
I had to be reminded by the Nurse to take out my cartilage earring too, which I had totally forgotten about. Then I had to stand in-front of some machine, facing the right, as the Nurse adjusted the "x-ray camera" coming out of this crazy/cool overlapping beam rigged system on the ceiling that allowed the camera to move about the room. Then I was moved to face the camera head on, then slightly to the right, jaw up, mouth open. Same pose, mouth closed. Now to the left, jaw up, mouth open. One with jaw closed. One with jaw straight out, mouth closed. Now over to the table, lay on cold table top, adjust camera. Hold your breath. Move to the side. Hold your breath. Good. Now, left arm above head, right arm at your side. Hold your breath. Now, same position, but bend your knees to stabilize you, because it's very important that you not move at all
during this one. You can breath, but don't move at all. Ok, lay still. Ok, done. But wait here, we're gonna have a look at them.
While they look at them, I can hear the nurse say "ok, hold your breath" and I hold my breath, although not knowing what for, as I'm sitting crossed-leg and hunched over on the table, and the camera's not near me. Only to let out my breath and realize she's talking to some other patient in the other room.
We do end up taking a couple more - some of the ones with my mouth open, or closed, I'm not sure, my teeth were blocking what they were trying to take pictures of behind the teeth. The Nurses (there were two at this point) move my head with their hands till my body is exactly where they want it to be.
Then it's "Ok, that's it, your done." Back to the changing room, and out the hospital doors. My doctor's office will get back to my next week "at the latest" (which you think it would be sooner, as the x-rays are only two blocks from their office).
It was strange being in an radiology room in a hospital, being in a blue-polka-dot patterned gown,and not knowing what is going on with me. It made me realize why it's taken me a year to actually go to the doctor - a "ignorance is bliss" & "what you can't see can't hurt you" mentality: if I can't seem the lump, then I don't know about the lump, and then I can't worry about the lump.
Now, I worry about the lump. But, hopefully, the x-rays will show, it's a fatty tissue build up, and we'll see what happens from there.