Losing and Letting Go

Obviously, it's been a little while. A little thing called Finals came up. Haven't received my official grades, but I'm quite positive I got A- in my hard 770 class, and in my 701 class I have no idea, but every paper I got back I got an A on, so I'm feeling confident.

Of course the winter break hasn't really felt like one, the social calendar has been filling up, but that's a good thing. It's been a pretty hectic week and in that chaos I lost my keys in my car one night, and tonight I went to the movies with my phone and came out having no idea where it went. It did occur to me that I unconsciously lost it because I was awoken this morning by texts from the past (i.e., texts unintended for me sent accidentally by people I haven't talk to in months if not longer). I should just text them back to take my number out of their phone, but maybe instead I went ahead and lost their number by losing my phone. Really though, I'd rather find my phone, and I have no idea where this serious case of absent-minded-ness is coming from.

Not really sure what's going on in general, as this season I am just not feeling Christmas-y. I'm not enjoying all the typical things I love about the season. Usually, every year I love putting together my Happy Holiday cards, writing at least one a day from Thanksgiving to New Year. This year, I've hardly done any and the ones I did pound out were yesterday. I think my friends and I have scrapped presents all together, which is fine, seeing as I can't really afford much at this point, nor would I know what to get them if I did. Sacred immediate family night of Christmas Eve is even up for grabs as to what's going to happen.
The crazier part, is that it's ok. Things change, nostalgia is nostalgia for a reason; it's in the past. If it's not enjoyable any more, maybe it's time to let it go. I'm never really good at letting things go. At all. Might as well ride the wave while I'm on it, see where this holiday season goes.

Moving past the holiday season, a new year for the world and for myself is coming up - the year of 2009 and my 27th birthday. I'm not really looking for a lot of celebrating, but if you're wondering about what's on my ever growing wish list:
Large unisex t-shirt from ThisAmericanLife, or the season 1 dvd.
or, ya know, possibly a new phone.

snap shots of saturday

I had a pretty great Saturday night all by myself here in my apartment.


I weeded out some of my Christmas ornaments, placing only the select few that made it through on my childhood Christmas tree. Still think I must be missing a box of my ornaments since the star is missing. Nonetheless, I kinda like my tree a little sparse this year, it's so nice to have it up.


Technically, I did some homework. This consisted of typing up paper requirements and the paragraph that's in my text book on my paper topic while listening to Planet Money podcasts.

Then, catching up on my This American Life podcasts, I baked some cupcakes. I'm starting to experiment with decorating with frosting. Last time I tried out some Gel frosting and accidentally died my co-workers' mouths blue. So, this time I went with some real frosting, and it was little shaky. But for the first go around, not bad right?




of course, I also fitted in some knitting. Had a pretty good time with all that too, just me, myself, and i.

Probably should have fit in a bit more homework though. This is the last week of the semester, and this is what I've got: one presentation this Monday, one 6-8 page paper due next Monday, one book discussion next Monday, and one 8-10 page paper due next Wednesday. Let you know how it all goes when I resurface in a week...

Sah

I got this piece of advice last night from a far off but very close friend. In a matter of fact, this-is-what-you-are-going-to-do way she said "You need to just take care of Alex, the rest will come after you focus on yourself."

I totally appreciate what she has to say. And I agree, completely. I've gotten this advice many times before, from various sources, and that's why -

- it just occurred to me, (that's how these blogs seem to happen - I'm in the middle of writing some paper, stare off into space for a second as the song changes on my ipod to some Beyonce pop feminism, and then I'm struck into thought on something I feel compelled to explore inarticulately here). Where was I again, oh yes -

Haven't I been "taking care of myself" for well over a year now? It was a year ago, probably this very week, that I left my secure full time job where I was miserable to go to Toronto, to be taken in by friends and figure my shit out? Wasn't that taking care of myself? Moving home was hard, and while I don't know if I would call it a year of little stress or anything, I was pretty focused on myself. Getting myself a job, getting myself into grad school, getting myself into an apartment. I've leaned on my friends and family pretty heavily this year, and focused a lot on what I needed to do.

I've typed and then deleted three different threads of thought from there, so I'm just gonna get back to this paper - my last Read and React of the semester, thank goodness.

Oh but before I forget, I need to run a correction - The drummer of Kings of Leon, Nathan Followill, is not the rest of the band mate's cousin, he's a brother. Caleb, Jared, and Nathan = brothers. Matthew, who plays guitar, he's their cousin. No matter really, I'm in love with them all. They are playing a benefit concert in Chicago the night before my birthday in January, but it being for a good cause and all, ticket prices are now $150 - 200, and if I have $150 to spend (really, $300, cuz who wants to go alone?) I'm inclined to spend it on other essentials. So next time around boys, just make sure you make it back here to Chicago again soon.

Wordy

1. Have been listening to the new Kings of Leon album, >Only_By_The_Night>. I wasn't in love with it on the first listen, but I think that's due to the fact that I'm so in love with their album "Because of the Times". However, there are some songs that I cannot stop listening to, and my adoration is only growing for this new album. In particular, the songs Use Somebody, Manhattan, and Be Somebody. I'm kinda enamored with them lately. For one, they are very cute (and of course, I'm most intrigued with the long haired, glasses wearing drummer Nathan), and they are of course talented. They also come from this crazy religious background, their dad (the three other band members are brothers, Nathan is their cousin) was a pentecostal minister, and that just throws me in a way I can't seem to articulate. So I guess it'll just have to end at that.

2. Did not end up going to the Obama rally. There is of course a part of me that wishes I had, mostly because I didn't end up getting anything done on my paper anayways - too busy checking the results online - and would have really enjoyed being in the city on a night so filled with love - I think I could have really used that. But I'm not really dwelling on it too much, what's the point of regret? It is what it is. I do have to include this here, from my friend who wrote me an email after that blog post, and this is a summarization:
I laughed and laughed at your blog post. So typically Al, always worried about what your missing out on.

Kinda called me on my shit and put me in my place, which really is appreciated. Think I needed to hear that and am, have been, as always, trying again to just appreciate being in this moment.

3. As for this moment right now - spent all day finishing up a paper for this big group project. And it feels so good to have it written, but I did take my time. I like having the time to procrastinate. I write a little, wander the internet (what did I do to procrastinate before the internet?), write a little more. A lot of the that wandering the internet is spent on facebook, and I found these two things today:
My friend Chris posted this, which is a little old, but as a West Wing fanatic, and Obama supporter, I loved endlessly:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/21/opinion/21dowd-sorkin.html

thank you Chris!

Also, found this Addicted to West Wing application on facebook which has a ton of West Wing quotes, which is unfortunate for you all, because it means I'll just post them more regularly, like this one:

I want women to have help from the government. I want women to earn what men earn. I want everyone to earn enough so that everyone can make the right choice for their family. After that, it's none of your business who stays home and who goes to work." - Amy Gardner.


4. There was something else....
Oh yeah. So a couple weeks ago, my friends and I were on a bus, talking about a the upcoming Halloween Party my friend was throwing. Conversation turns to the guest list and whose coming, and Friend 1 says some guy's name that I don't know and Friend 2 says, "Oh, he's coming? Isn't he single? Maybe Al can make out with him?" I was only half paying attention considering I didn't know anyone coming to the party and didn't really follow as the conversation went in some totally other direction and forgot about it till the party. But after the Halloween Party I asked Friend 2 on the drive home, "hey, why did you say that last week about that guy?" Her response: "I dunno, you're both single."
Seriously, this is the qualifications now for hooking up? Just gather the two single people you know, maybe they'll make out. I didn't realize that became a factor in the game as you get older, since the number of single people shrinks eventually all of us single people will just couple up? Ironically Friend 2, also single, so I'm even more perplexed as to why it would be that I would get together with this guy. I guess out of the three of us at that party who were single (no wait, 6 single people, 6 couples, a ratio of one couple for every single person) I would be the one to do it. Not really sure if I'm as comfortable with that piece of mirror being held up.
This gets into a whole other territory of a us vs. them = couples vs. singletons blog that could be interesting, but I'm not really sure where I'm going with it. It's just going to get so much more interesting as we get older.

Obviously, I am in this wordy rambling thought kinda place (can you tell I've been writing all day?!) so I should just end this now before I get myself into any more trouble.
Cheers.

Defining Moments

Heres the scene:

I have this HUGE group project due next Wednesday. It's a case study of a public library, involving a 20 minute presentation and a 12 - 20 page group paper.
I was a good student all weekend. I didn't drink at a Halloween party Friday so I would be good to spend all day Saturday doing homework, which I did, till about 1:00 am. Got up 8:00 am on Sunday and kept at it till 2:00 pm, finishing a paper for another class.
And that felt so good, having spent the time and got this thing done, and I could go out and enjoy celebrating a good friend's birthday that night.

Now it's Monday night, I had class. Tomorrow night, my friend is hosting a Election Party, and I said I can't go because I have to do homework. Which is true. My group is meeting on Wednesday so we can get our shit together for next week. This means tomorrow night, Tuesday night, I need to get some of my own shit together for the project. As a good grad student, I should stay in and do homework.

But as a citizen, as a Chicagoan, as a voter, I would really love to just go downtown tomorrow night and see the show. Obama is hosting an election night rally at Grant Park, and while I do not have tickets, I would still love to just go down and just see how far into the city I could get. Just be in loop. Just be there.
This is going to be historic, either way. I mean, how many times can you live in the same city as the possible President Elect? This is once in a life time, to be in a position to so close to history.

But this project is worth 30% of my grade. Grrrr.....
I called my friend/fellow student Sheila tonight. We call each other whenever we're having "god damn grad school!!! AHHHH" moments. We're also in the same group for this project, and both feeling the pinch about it. I was saying, you know, can you imagine you grandkids saying "Grammy, where were you when Obama was elected president?" And my answers gonna be, "oh, I was in the basement of the library working on a paper." But beyond that. Screw the grandkids, for my life time, it would be an amazing experience. I'm a person whose fairly interest in politics and current events, and love being on my own in a big city.
Plus, Sheila made this point at the end of the conversation, "You should go. Do not let 9/11 be the defining moment of your lifetime." This really struck me. I mean, for my lifetime, what the grandkids will be asking so far is "Where were you on 9/11?" It would be nice to have a moment that's on the opposite scale of momentous to add be defining.

I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do. Having homework really effects my immediate day-to-day life. And I would feel guilt that if I did skip on that paper for the night, I should be at my friends party.

OK, I'll I'll be honest, this is is the plan for my day" Get up before the sun to go vote, then go to work, then go work on this project all night checking the internet all night trying to see what's going on.

But I'm hopeful that tomorrow there will be a new defining moment for our country, no matter where I am personally.

Under vs. Grad.

From the view of this table on one side of the university library basement, I can see four people, including myself, that are here. I would bet money that almost all of us, are grad students or obtaining some higher degree than a bachelors. How do I know this? Because it is 7:30 pm on a Saturday night.

That is the difference between undergrad and graduate student. Even if I did not have plans on Saturday night as a undergrad - and in all likelihood, that was the case - the last place I would have been was the library.
But as a grad student, so many more responsibilities have entered your life. And I say this as someone who as an undergrad had 3 different jobs, was a full time student, and belonged to too many campus groups. Now, I have one job, and it takes up 30 hours of my week. And still, here I sit on a Saturday night - the university library. Because this is the time during my week that I have several unscheduled hours to just sit here and write papers.

Stories I've told

It's been a tough week, especially school wise and that stress permeates into all the other aspects of my life. Running took a back seat. Ok, it got put in the trunk. But I plan on going tomorrow morning (although , is already pretty late tonight...)

Here are some stories I told this week:

Before my case study paper, this was the background on my computer:



Which I took when I was in Hawaii two years ago.

Around Monday (case study was due Wednesday), it changed to this:



which is self explanatory, and happens to be from visiting friends in Michigan.


Also,
Last night a coworker, let's call her Ruma, came in with her young children let's say, Ashima,7, and Sonia,5, she started talking to another co-worker, so I took upon myself to entertain the kids and took them into the stacks to find Halloween books. When we got back to the desk, the older one started this conversation:
Ashima: Do you have children?
Me: Oh, no, no I don't.
Ashima: Are you married?
Me: Nope. And I don't have a boyfriend, it's just me at my house.
Sonia: Do you have peace and quiet?
Me, laughing: Yes, I do have peace and quiet. Do you have a peace and quiet at you're house?
Sonia: Oh, no! We do not have peace and quiet and our house.
She and her sister then preceded to interrupt each other and get into a hitting fight.
It was kinda the cutest thing, and the whole interaction made my whole night.

Unfortunately, there is not peace and quiet here right now. My upstairs neighbor must be playing some kinda of musical instrument, or is seriously into guitar hero, or something, but it is really loud. It's been kinda loud most of the night, but I was watching a movie, so I blocked it out. Now, I'm trying to sleep, so that could be harder. I really need to get the courage up to go up there and tell them to shut the hell up please.

Oh the irony...

I have to write another 750 word Issue Response on either Digitization or Library As Place. At first glance, I could have told you Library As Place would be a better topic for me. Because the class we spent on digitization - couldn't even tell you what happened for those three hours, other than I left feeling really frustrated, because I was completely uninterested. Sure, I should be interested, seeing as it's probably the future of library science and all, and my professor kept saying " I swear it, in the next five years there will be a copyright lawsuit going to supreme court on this." Although again, I could not explain to you what she was talking about, because I just didn't get it. In one ear out the other.
So, the obvious choice is Library as Place. Except that there's this book that I should have gotten forever ago but didn't, and the Library as Place has a chapter in that book that supposed to be the main focus of the Issue Response. So I can't do Library As Place. Digitization, not surprisingly has all the resources available on-line. And, you know, since this is due on Monday, all the copies of the book that's needed are checked out of any library in a 20 miles radius. Plus, you know, it's 7:30 on a Saturday night, and like I said, this is due on Monday.
After reading half of the article on Digitization and going "Oh my god, I have no idea what I just read," and seriously doubting my bullshit capabilities for a 750 word article (I mean, I was an English major, so I'm good, but not that good) I decided to just wing it and type in the book I need to google and see what happened.

Low and behold, kid you not, the book is on books.google.com. Can't print it or copy it, but the whole book, chapter needed and all, right there for the reading. So, the book I need for Library As Place, available to me due to digitization - which I can't seem to understand or care about to save my life - but it's irony is not lost on me.

Now, to get my self excited about Library As Place, and start all over again, so very late in a deserted university library basement on a Saturday night....

Gushing

For reasons of anonymity I won't go into the who, the when, or the why of this, but...

Recently, I was standing next to this cute, smart, nice, talented guy who I respect, and he was saying these really nice things about me to someone else. "They loved her, you should have seen it...." Of course it was wonderful to be spoken of in such high praise. I found myself wanting to reach out and touch his arm, to just gesture to him in some way some kind of recognition and reciprocation of the affection. But stopped my self, just smiled and said something modest and self-deprecating like "Oh really, I don't know about all that..." And soon after left the conversation and scene altogether.
The whole thing left me feeling kinda sad to be honest. Like I said, it was wonderful to have such great things said about me, and to be there to appreciate them. But I was also reminded of how much I miss that. That being, a great guy to stand next to while he boasts about me - and to feel this mutual adoration, to want to boast about him in return. I just kinda miss that.

Running and Homework

Yesterday and today:
2.73 miles.

Homework due:
Issue response on Monday
Case Study on Wednesday
Lots and Lots of readings
On-going Group Project due in late November

Long Tail markets

It should be noted, that the elusive good article I thought I found yesterday - I did not find. It was too short and didn't have enough substance. But it did lead me directly to a pretty good article; it was about Long Tail markets, and I actually found it kinda interesting.

In other news: I have been running again. Started out pretty small, just running one song, walking one song. But today I did pretty good. 2.6 miles, and just walked one song after I rounded the middle.

The Ellusive Perfect Article

I've been here in the basement of the University Library for, oh, at least and hour and half. I came here after work (ok, with a quick stop at Target to procrastinate just a little) and am imposing a rule on myself that I cannot leave until I find an article for my Read and React assignment that's due on Wednesday.
I was hoping to do this yesterday, hell, I was hoping to write the damn thing yesterday, but I spent the entire day reading for and writing my Issue Response that's due tomorrow. It's frustrating that it takes a whole day to write a 750 word (that's like, a page and half) paper - but there's still all this reading and "critical thought" (i.e. - how the hell do I semi-eloquently say what I would otherwise just tell the Prof. in person) involved, it ends up taking way longer than I'd like.
So it would seem it is the same is true for these Read and Reacts. This is my second one, and I swear it takes longer to find a damn article to write about than to write the reaction itself, which is only a 100 word abstract and 500 word response.
There's a subtle science to finding the right article: You don't want it to be too long, because you are going to have to read the freaking thing. Can't be too short, cuz it has to have enough substance to actually review, and ya know, care about somewhat. That care about thing comes into play quite abit, cuz while you're reading you are also trying to figure out how you're going to write something about it - if you are uninterested, you will come up with nothing. It needs to be from a reputable source, and again, the page length comes into play, because I don't want to spend two dollars printing out/coping an article, or several that won't end up working. Some articles you start to reading thinking they'll work, that some how you'll be able to relate this to library science, only to discover that it's not, and has to be abandoned.
So, after an hour of searching, I kinda cheated.
Except I don't really think it's cheating, because this is a big part of being a good Librarian: finding reliable sources quickly.
What I'd done last time wasn't working (basically, browsing JSTOR with key words) so I thought, "well, what did my classmates do theirs on last time?" Of course there's a kid in class whose even more anal, I mean, "on-top-of-it," than I am - he's been the first to post his responses both times. I look at his response from the journal "Library Administration and Management." Well hell, that could practically be a subtitle to this class , which means there's gotta be something in there. I go the shelf, find the current issue, and low and behold - a perfect 4 page article.

And it's only 8:30 pm! (that exclamation point is sarcasm by the way). Time to go home and feel "done" for the day. Tomorrow I have off of work, but, as you can probably guess, there's still a whole lot of school work that lays ahead of me. Basement Library Desk: I'll see you in 12 hours.

Well that was almost a disaster

Just did a knitting program at the library where I used to work. And seriously, it was about "this" close to being a disaster. I did not, simply did not expect 20 people who were beginning knitters. We had capped the program at 20, and it filled up by last week. Someone at the library counted 27 a one point who attended. We'd left it very informal so that beginners and people who knew how to knit already could both come and just sit and chat and knit. But of course, almost everyone was new. I think, about 4 people already knew. Thank god my mom's friend also came to help us instruct. It was little by the seat of our pants, but I think we did a pretty good job and that people walked away with knowledge of how to knit. So, objective met.

It seems apparent from the demand for the program that there is a serious need asking to be met by knitters. Everyone left asking if we were going to be there next week (the answer is no - I had to take off work just to do this once). I'm sure part of it is because there's a lot of great things about knitting (i.e, making something by hand, a zen and calm that comes once you've gotten it down), but there's also this component of just getting together with other people in your community to sit and chat and knit. The make up for the women (and no, it doesn't escape my attention that it was all women, that no men had signed up) who came was also interesting - a make up maybe of 70% African American, 30% white, all ages, (next time, no one under the age of 18, they need a class all for themselves), and a transvestite. This is why I moved back to the city - for this community. I can knit anywhere, and I do, but who you knit with can make a world of difference. The compassion, patience, interest and diversity of the community is what made the program not a disaster, but a success.

Thoughts on Urban Living while Grocery Shopping

Until recently I've never been a huge fan of those Window-Gel-Things. You know those gel-ie, fun shaped things that stick to windows. Just not my thing.

But tonight while grocery shopping I went ahead and spend the 2 bucks on getting some Halloween ones.

And here's the overly thought out reason why I:

I'm finding it hard to express my holiday cheer. There's no nail on my door to hang something fun from, and I've thought about putting out a Halloween Welcome Mat, but to be honest the thought of spending $15 on something that might be stolen has impeded that purchase more than I'd like to admit.
It occurred to me that these gel-shapes are really just a way to express/decorate in an urban environment. I don't have a house to hang little Halloween lights from, or a lawn to put some inflatable monstrosity on, I'm not even sure what I'll do with my pumpkin once it's carved. But I do have windows. Being a corner studio - it's about the only thing I have "lots" of.
So I joined the masses (as I so often inevitably do) and bought some Halloween gel Bats and Ghosts.
From my window to the the world, in bright orange gel: Boo.

Just when you're thinking things are looking up...

...this happens:

Walking off the El, two blocks to my apartment. Perfect song comes on the shuffle of my ipod, which never happens. Up the block there is a man who crumbles some trash in his hand and -somewhat aggressively- throws it into the street, although it doesn't get very far. Then he seems to be fumbling with the string on his shorts, but just keeps walking ahead.
Hmmm, ok.Just keep walking, enjoying the song, trying to be uplifted by the sunshine.
Guy walks past me.
I keep walking.
Get to the point where the trash he threw in the street.
Yep, it's a condom.

So that's how condoms get in the middle of the street. Could have gone my whole mylife not knowing that and been fine.

Page Count

This thought, as I sit here in the "Cyber-Cafe" in the lowest level of my University's Library eating my apples and cheese I brought from home and the undergrad population filters in for dinner:

Hanging around undergrads, just makes me really appreciative that I'm not one of them anymore.

Also, I am in LOVE with Google Book Search.

done with my apples and cheese and this point, and will head back upstairs, mostly likely having lost my prime seating near the window. I'm onto my 3rd page of my first paper for grad school. Minimum of 4 pages, maximum of 8. I guess that's something all students have in common: page/word count.

A True Librarian

Patron: Did you see the Palin speech last night?
Me: Ahh, no. But I listened to some of it. I thought she did a good job.
Patron: But you didn't see it?
Me: No, I don't own a television.
Patron: Wow, you don't a television?!
Me: Ahh, well...No, not in my new place.
Patron: You are like, a true librarian.


This interaction is hilarious to me on many levels. And rings true because of that. I am officially taking classes in (and becoming increasingly paniced by) Graduate school for Library and Informational Sciences.

In the past week my life has had a lot of changes, some that I don't even think I have really been conscience of, or was simply too overwhelmed to even deal with. In the past weekend alone I drove through three states for a wedding of a close friend, with a close friend, drove back, and then moved into a new apartment.

Plus, you know, that pesky grad school thing. Which I am currently avoiding the reading/homework of as I type. I should go back to that. Needless to say, not really sure when I'll blog, but little things in life like interactions with patrons that humor me - I'll still try to through those up here.

Moms on Monday

Monday August 25
1.9 miles

every mother whose thrilled their kids are back in school was out wandering around today.

Youth on a Friday

Friday August 28
1.906 miles

Here are some thoughts while I was running in the early evening Friday night.

"Wow, there are a lot of teenagers out tonight. Oh right, it's the last weekend before school starts."
-in fact, it was the first weekend after school started. So they were all out in that creating-the-new-social-scene-for-the-year way. Basically, they were out in hoards.

"Not totally sure what the deal is here, but it's kinda classic none the less. Obviously teen boys terrorized teen girl in some way, now boys being chased by teen girl back to crowd of teens farther up the street..... I hope they don't interact with me...."

"Another gaggle of teens off in the distance, meandering up the street. No way to really avoid them, just pray for little-to-none interaction as I always do with anyone I ever see while running. Four boys, one girl. Girl is giving me a bit of the evil eye, but please, are you kidding me? And oh, my god, they totally reek of pot. And now why they suddenly appeared from across that vacant parking lot makes a lot more sense. Ah, youth....."


I still didn't go terribly far, of push myself all that hard, but still, I feel like I was feeling a little better after the run. Takes a couple days to set in, and I make no promises to myself (I just break them) but I may be getting back feeling the whole running scene. We'll see.

75 degree morning

Wednesday August 20, 2008
1.73 miles

another small, not so fantastic run. At this point I'm just trying to get back into it and fit it in my week.

Another Try

Saturday August 16
1.59 miles


well, that sucked.
But it's to be expected really.
Because that's what happens when I'm completely unmotivated because I'm too busy wallowing in a mid-summer depression to get my ass out there an run.

I wish I could even begin to tap the surface of how "in my own head" I've been lately, but I think it would only worsen the problem. It would just be me circling the drain of my thoughts, and no one, least of all me, really needs that.

But I did go out and run tonight. It was short, it was sucky, but I ran.

Bloody Teeth & Taffeta Gowns

I am so transparent.

I'm sitting here on my bed still in my pajama's after having this dream:

Three of my best friends and I - Katie, Katy, & Liz, are all dressed up, ball-gown dressed up. I think we're at the Opera, some kind of multi-leveled fancy theatre, trying to find our seats and I can't remember if we're there with guys we know or we just keep running into guys we know in the hallway. (When I say this the pertinent background is that all four of us went to high school together, so if all four of us know you, it's most likely that you went to our high school). So we're in gowns, at this event, and my teeth start falling out. Really, it's one tooth, but it's huge, the whole thing comes out - root and all. And it's just laying there in my hand - I'm having to carry it around, all bloody. And there's this big gapping hole in the side of my mouth, in the bottom row of my side teeth. Katie is trying to help me find someone so we can call in like, a dental emergency, and contact my family. I'm really worried because I know there's other tooth in my mouth, a bottom center one, that feels loose too. Right before my mom comes, it falls out too. So I'm in this gown, with my friends who are trying to find our seats and we're seeing all these people and I'm seeing them with my teeth missing and my friends are asking "Do you know where we can find a dentist for Al?" Somehow my mom shows up and we're in the basement/living room of my house, still in gowns from the event though, with my teeth in my hand, and she's kinda lecturing me about taking care of my teeth while also trying to sympathize with me cuz she's had a lot of dental problems. I know at least that Katie is also in the room, but then I wake up.

In about 3 hours I'll actually be trying on gowns; bridesmaid dresses to be more specific, with Katie, Katy, and Liz.

Past, Future, and The Present

My past life/lives have been coming up with such frequency.

Talking about how I've lived in Vermont during mud season, about leading canoe trips in Canada, having worked at a high school in Michigan - all between my undergrad graduation and starting grad school. All in my "relatively young life" (quotations provided by co-worker). I keep reminding myself of this as I start on yet another path - it occurred to me that in another 4 years, this part of my life - this year of moving back home, this time of first single apartments, of grad school, of living back in Chicago - this all will be a part of my past, a past life, as well. At this time in my old life I would be in the middle of throwing a canoe over my head to carry across rocky terrain while trying to convince kids they could do the same, or singing at the top of my lungs my new favorite pop song to keep spirits up as the group paddled on; was trying to start a fire in the rain, reminding kids to put sunscreen on or drink water while not doing it myself. Where will I be in my future summers?

As referenced above - I will be moving into my first "apartment". I put the quotations around it because I don't want people getting the idea that I have a several rooms joined by hallways and closets that I will fill with furniture. What I have is ONE room with a tiny kitchen, a closet, and a bathroom that are attached to this one room. A little tiny studio - just for me. And that is just fine. After having lived with house mates in Vermont, various reincarnations of The Female Staff Cabin in Canada, sharing a bathroom with high school girls and then an apartment with a roommate that I tolerated and then a building with high school boys, and most recently back with my parents - I am ready for a space that only I can inhabit.

I do dream of the day when I can host dinner parties and have more than four walls to hang things on, but those days are not here yet. With work, school, and the attempt at a social life that takes place outside of the living room, I do not need a large place this year. This next year is simply about starting. Summer of 2007 was about endings. Winter of 2008 was about piecing myself back together. Fall of 2008 will be about starting. I'll worry about wanting more once I get myself to Summer of 2009.

I move into this new place in September. I realized that the last week of August/first week of September will be made up of a lot of components of my next year: I will have my last day at my 2nd job on Tuesday, will go to my first class (which by the way is Management of Library and Information Centers - and I think it's hysterical that it starts before I even take my Intro to Library and Informational Science class the following week). That whole week I will of course be working my main 30 hour a week library gig, and on Thursday my long time friend will come in from out of town and we will road-trip it for the weekend down to Nashville for a wedding. She flies out at 6 am on Monday morning, which is September 1st - the day I move in. So the week includes: work, school, weddings, and my new living space. That's pretty much what my next year will be about, and at this point, I'm pretty excited about that.

A Fever You Can't Sweat Out

Well after finally having run my first 5k, I got ill. Had a fever, a head full of snot, and a cough that could have gotten really bad, but with a lot of water and sitting on the couch, I've bounced back. I wouldn't say I feel fully healthy - I'm still stuffy and have odd moments of being more tired than I should. But the worst part - the fever and the feeling ache-y - are over.

So I've been keeping a low profile on running wagon. I went for a 2.5-3 miles walk with my mom yesterday. And today we both went for a shuffle-run-walk along the river. I have no idea how long it was but if I had to gander it was probably 1.5 or something. Tomorrow I have to work all day, and hopefully by Wednesday, and the latest Thursday (my scheduling is weird this week and I don't think I'll be able to run Wed, but will on Thurs) I will be feeling tip-top and back to running.

In other news...I got nothing. I've been feeling a little...of a lot of things. A little lost, a little funky, a little edgy. And a little indescribable. Just can't quite put my finger on what's going on right now. Doesn't really make for the best writing/blogging.

Oh, but I did see The Dark Knight. Just went by myself in the middle of the afternoon on Saturday. Like the rest of the nation, I'm in love with it. A little long, and not a perfect movie, but, love is blind and I love it despite the flaws.

Also, just to reference the title of this blog: It's a phrase that kept going through my mind while I actually had a fever. But also, it was the title of Panic!At the Disco's last album. I don't really know much about that album. But their new album, Pretty.Odd. I'm kinda in love with that too. Again, not something I can pin down. It just seems to fit my mood a lot, or it's really good driving music, something. I don't know I'd recommend it to people, but for some reason I'm in love with it lately.

First 5k

Monday July 21
2.9 miles
78 degrees, feels like 80

Sunday July 20
5K, or 3.1 miles


Friday July 18
2.4 miles


Ran my first 5k run on Sunday. Got my first running jersey via a run, got my first running number pinned to said shirt. Experienced my first grab of a cup of gatorade from the side lines - the oddest thing was throwing it to the ground, my logic knew that it would be picked up, but it still felt like littering because I just would never throw something on the ground. Tied my first running chip to my shoe lace - my time was 38 minutes & 53 seconds, which means I ran a average of a 12.33 minute mile. My first mile I did in 13 minutes, so my goal after that was to just get in under 39 minutes, which I did, so good for me I guess. I got my first free water, carnation, banana, shampoo, rice, coffee, luna bar, and had I taken advantage of it, a massage; all from the different sponsor booths set up at the finish line.
And I crossed my first finish line.

Now, it's on to finding more races so I keep motivated to do each of those things more.

A side note sensation: we got up at 10 to 6:00 am and were at the race site by at least 6:45 am, right on Lake Michigan. I kept having these bodily sensations of flash backs to being at camp or running a canoe trip. Something about being up at that hour next to to a large body of water, something in the air I guess. It was cool.

I would be more descriptive, but I just dropped my car off at the shop and ran back home, having no idea how far it would be. Turns out it was almost 3 miles, and I am in good need of shower.

Good for Me

Wednesday July 16
3.0039 miles


Hell yes! I went for my run today, after dropping my car off at the shop so really I had no excuses cuz it's not like I could go anywhere else. And I had an idea of where I was going to go, but not sure how long it would be.

Turns out, it was exactly the distance I need to do! It was slow, and sweaty, and filled with more people than desired, but I did it! yay! And now I can feel much better about doing this 5K on Sunday. (5K is roughly 3.1 miles)

And I'm getting better about seeing people. I just smile and nod and keep running on to the next thing. Plus, on Monday I was running past this woman getting something out of her car in the driveway and as I ran past she said "Good for you" so I said "Thanks!" and she replied "It ain't easy, good for you" again. Reminds me that people may be supportive instead of negatively judgmental. I mean, really, that's what I'm thinking when I see a runner (or biker, or walker or who ever is out doing their exercise thing); I'm thinking "Good for you, You go!"

Spot on

A little late to be posting this, but:

Monday, July 13
2.19 miles

I run so slowly when I run during the day, but it's also so damn hot out that I sweat a ton, even at a slower pass.


Other things I think about blogging about:

So excited for The Dark Knight to come out this week. Thought the cover article for Entertainment weekly was spot on about it's perception and how it will be received. And just a good article in general.

I heard someone at work today refer to The Rolling Stone magazine as "the USWeekly of Rock & Roll". I feel this is an accurate statement. I stopped reading it so long ago I can't be honest and say that I have a fair take on the content, but I did stop reading it for a reason - because it was bad. Current Cover Article (which sparked the USWeekly comment) is "The Jesus of Uncool - Coldplay." Seriously? Seriously. That's the headline? That Coldplay is the savior of uncool? That's....ridiculous. If any band is the savior of uncool, it's....well, the first band that comes to mind is Weezer, but really, you could argue just about anyone OTHER than Coldplay. And I say this as someone who is entirely addicted to the new album, Viva La Vida. Uncool is not Coldplay. They are, and have been for, ummm some time now Rollingstone, the kings of popularity, the kings of cool.

This, is also spot on.

There are lots of other non-pop-culture or running things going on in my world, and the world at large, but it's getting late, and I have to get up at the crack of dawn to take my car into the shop and then go for another run.

Sunday Outside

Sunday July 13
2.15 miles

Was a very low energy run till the end when I finally got my stride. I would write more, but with the wind-swept 3 miles walk my mom and I did this morning, and the run I just had during what has to be one of the hottest parts of the day (what was I thinking?) I am in desperate need of a shower.

5K

Wednesday July 9
1.6299 miles

signed up for a 5K to keep myself motivated after having lost all motivation. Needed something. Started out small to get back on track.

Things I Would Blog About, But Haven't...

*My serious lack of running
- feeling motivated again last night talking about the half marathon, but I still haven't gone. How badly do I really want it?

*this book. I haven't read it or anything, but it's out there: A t.v. character authors a spin off book - like a Hannah Montana book for adults.

*a summer in the city
- acute recollections of wilderness

*it's been a year. Not sure of the exact date, but sometime in June it had been a year since Scott and I broke up. Not really sure what else to say, but did want to throw the acknowledgment out there.

*Speaking of the rapid passage of time - grad school is approaching.

*Listening to Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows - because summertime reading just isn't the same without Harry Potter, and because Jim Dale is a genius. Honest to god one of the best readers out there.


Mostly I've been way over booked and it's dawning on me that I'm only going to become more so, which kinda scares the shit out of me. But at the same time, what choice is there? And I've always operated under this idea that "you gotta do what you gotta do" (feeling obligated, for better or worse & to whomever/whatever, is a big motivator for me) and that's what I'm doing. But I was able to squeeze in a surprise birthday dinner for a friend, and there's a upcoming wedding in Nashville with old friends that has real potential for damn good times; these things remind me that doing what needs to be done is worth it for the moments in between.

About as creative as it's title

Obviously, I have fallen off the running wagon. I won't bore you with why and whatnot, and to be perfectly honest, I'm not totally sure what I'd say.
However, I have been trying to be active in other ways. This morning, my mom and I went for 3 mile walk, and we did it less than an hour. Yipeee.

I watched "High School Musical" yesterday. Yes, it was voluntarily; I wanted to see what all the hype was about. Is this Zac Efron character really such a hottie to make into trashy mags? So, yes, I watched it. I watched it so that you don't have to. Because you don't want to. High School Musical is about as creative as it's title; it's basically a sugar coated Disney version of "Grease" - on crack. I mean, the main cool guy (aka - Zac Efron, whom I still don't see what the big deal is about either) and the geeky girl (who they don't even try to make "geeky" with some fake glasses or something. Honest to god, they put a book in her hands in her first scene and from then on she's super stylish beauty who does math) they don't even kiss. The whole movie. Not once. They kiss on the cheek and they sing. Maybe they kissed in the final dance scene and I missed it cuz I was so bored with it at that point, but I'm pretty sure it's just that one kiss on the cheek. I'd say I'm still interested in "High School Musical 2" just to wonder if where it could possibly go from here.

Near 90 at Midnight

Saturday June 7, 2008
2.4 miles
weather: 83 degrees, feels like 88

Let me tell you, when weather.com says "feels like 88" they are not kidding. I put off my run last night for several reasons, but the lamest of them being that I was hoping it would cool off by tonight. No such luck. You think with the sun having been down for several hours that the heat might have gone with it. But nope, it was 11 pm and still near the 90s. Just made the cold shower at the end of a humid run all the more rewarding I guess.

Twilight & Choke

Scene: The Youth Services Desk, Susan and I huddled around the computer watching the new "Twilight" movie trailer.

Me: I think they've made Edward look a lot more, I dunno, kinda bookish or nerdy looking than I remember him in the book
Susan: Yea, he's kinda got that IT department hipster guy look
Me: That's just what I need - a nerdy IT department hipster guy. Whose also a vampire.


Truth be told, after having read two of the three books in the series, I'm not really a huge Edward Cullen fan. When the conversation between Susan and I actually turned to the movie, I asked her what someone would wear to a midnight showing of Twilight? I mean, the whole point - of so many vampire books really - is that "they walk among us" and all, they blend in. Whatda ya gonna do, paint you're face pale and go to the show? But this is just a side track from my original point, that I said to Susan, which was that if I went to the midnight showing it would be in a t-shirt that said "Bella can keep Edward, I'll take Jacob." Essentially - what girl needs a vampire and eternal life when she could have passion and a werewolf?
God, ya gotta love the Young Adult Fantasty genre for even putting that sentence into my blog in the first place....

Oh, also, speaking of trailers: the new one for "Choke" came out. I'm thinking I'm gonna have to read the book before the movie comes out, because everyone I know whose read the book has said "My god, how are they even going to be able to make that kind of perversion into a movie. I mean, it was a good book, but can you even make that into a movie and not, ya know, not offend the world?" - or something to that effect. But to be honest, I'm a little scared of Chuck Palahnuik, the guy who wrote it. Mostly because everyone that has ever read him says he's got one sick mind; brilliant, but twisted. And we all know I can be more than a little squeamish. Still, I loved Fight Club, I love Sam Rockwell & Angelica Houston (who star in the movie), the trailer looks great, and I keep thinking I'll be a better reader if I just bit the bullet and read some Palahnuik. If anyone's got a better one to start with than "Choke" let me know.

Inertia

I swear to god, I can't even really tell you how or why I just ran. I had an absurdly long and odd day, and will tomorrow too (well, at leas the long part will happen tomorrow) and by all accounts I should have just gone straight home, stuffed myself silly with bad-for-me food on the way, and gone straight to bed.
But instead, I went to Jewel, got some vegetables to eat with hummus with tomorrow - then to meijer for sushi because I wasn't gonna deny that I did want to eat something.
From there, to home, to in my running clothes and on to a run.
I honest to god think it was just inertia pulling me a long. I had the kind of day where I got some things done, but it took me the most round about way to get them accomplished, and had it been straight-forward I probably would have actually gotten all the I needed to accomplished. However, that was not the case and it was a very bizzare day. But whatever, intertia kept me moving. And hopefully it'll get me through to the end of the week too. Which I cannot wait for. But for now -

Wednesday June 4
2.4 miles
& got to watch light show thunder storm to the south and west throughout run

insert something clever and funny here

I was very cranky this evening. I've become such a workaholic that I don't know what to do with free time, and in the blanket of possibilities that lay before me in unscheduled hours I crack under the pressure of choice. And that makes me cranky.
I did finish a hat I was making though, although the decrease at the top was really difficult and added to my crankyness. But it's done, looks amazing and is the hardest pattern I've ever made. Now I can move on to making one for the person's spouse that this hat is for.
Besides finishing a hat, I also went for a run. A very late night run (the hat took way longer than antcipated) but I went.
And it was awesome. Such a fantastic run. Was great to have the roads to myself too - I saw one lady walking her dog, and more cops cruising around than I could keep track of.
I may regret this tomorrow morning, as this week's schedule may prove to be an especially sleep-depriving one, but if I get to bed in the next two minutes, I can still get a semi-reasonable amount of sleep. So, ciao!

Monday, June 2, 2008
2.4 miles

Summer & Sex in the City

I dunno if it was simply having spent the afternoon seeing the Sex in the City movie with my mom, or if it was actually having eaten good-for-me food all day - but I was in a such a good mood that I wasn't completely dreading my run. I wasn't stoked, but I didn't have to totally kick my own ass to go. And, I think I ran at a pretty good speed for most of it too - although I still won't tell you how long it does take me to run two & half miles, because I'm pretty sure by running standards that it's a long time. But whatever, it was a really good run. Not too hot, not too cold, one that I could pat myself on the back for.

Sunday June 1, 2008
2.4 miles

I won't spoil anything for those of you who haven't seen the movie, but I did think it was pretty fantastic. I laughed, I cried, I wanted to wear heels; everything I love about SITC and the charcters in it. And that's all I'll say till the movie's been out a little longer.

Not much else is new, just getting into the swing of summer. Working hard, feeling pretty grateful about my paychecks. I was paying bills today, and reminding myself to hold on to this feeling as long as possible. Because it was only months ago that I would get one bill paid and just hope I figured something out until the next one came up. So to be able to not put bills on my credit card or borrow from my parents feels pretty amazing, and I feel really greatful every time I am able to even write a check.
Im also just loving that I am able to work during the week and then gett into the city at least once a weekend to hang out with different people. One weekend out with the girls and their family, the next getting fortunes told & drinks at the top of the skyscapers, this weekend it was a dinner party with the next generation of librarians. I am begining to love my very own SITC story: Summer in the City.

Last Night vs. The Present

I did go for another run last night, and it was pretty sucky. I had eaten crappy food on my way home from work, but still made it home by 10 and so went for a run anyways. I also cheated cuz a friend called in the middle of it and I totally walked and talked to her in the middle. But really, I was praying she would call to keep me from running, as I felt like shit. To my credit though I did start running again once I got off the phone; cuz don't think it hadn't crossed my mind to just walk the rest of it.
But at the end of it, I was glad I went. I had gotten home after work and still gone running, which is all I really needed to prove to myself.
And I was all hopefully that I could keep it up.
But then I was stressing myself out today; just keeping my anxiety right there on the periphery of my psyche. I knew I should not be freaking out, and yet I couldn't just push it out of my mind. (Just lame work stuff, nothing I even have to make a decision about now, nothing worth expounding about further). So instead of running, I just totally ate a bunch of crap I didn't need to. Grrrrrr....
I was so hopefull and full of can do attitude last night too, and yet again I become my own worst enemy (instead of enemy there I had aciendentally typed "memory" - wonder what THAT Freudian slip is about!). Getting in my own way, forgetting that "full of hope" attitude. The funny thing about the end of my run yesterday is that I remember thinking to myself "my mind really does feel clearer, I really can just let it wander and yet focus at the same time when I run. THIS is why I need to do this more often."
And yet, the next day, it's all forgotten.

Sundays

Obviously, I haven't posted - or run - in awhile. Things felt a little crazy with the new job and all. Getting used to that new schedule, I put running on the back-burner for awhile. Probably not the wisest choice; as running could probably help with the stress and my both mental and physical health. But you know, it always seems like the easiest, if not the best, thing to cut when I get busy.

I have adjusted to the new schedule, but I've keep falling into these little ruts of pity and whining. Probably another side effect of being tired/new schedule/stress - but I just haven't felt like I could get my emotional bearings lately. (Running would probably help with that too, but alas...)

But I did go on Sunday. It had been two Sunday's in a row I hadn't gone, and I almost always, always go on Sunday nights. Even if I come up with some lame excuse the rest of the week, I almost always go on Sundays. And I knew if I didn't go again and it became three weeks in a row I hadn't gone, I'd be in real trouble.

So, Sunday May 25
2.4 miles

It was the first mildly warm weather (which has since come and gone - welcome to Chicago where it's shorts on Memorial Day and fleece the next) of the season, and my run reflected that. I also noticed that with the warm weather, if I continue to run, I really need to invest in some kinda ofwhistle or pepper spray or something. There's just more people out in general, and they are out later. And all the leaves are back on the trees so it's just less bare, whichnormally I like, but on a run it just makes it harder to see what is, or is not lurking about. None-the-less, I day dream about running more and starting to do yoga again. Wither or not I'll actually make the time to do, or enjoy those things, has yet to be seen.

Svefn-G-Englar

I just heard a piece of music for the second time in the matter of hours. "Svefn-G-Englar" by Sigur Ros. It's such a beautiful piece of music, I'm not surprised it's used to beautify other forms of entertainment. But these two places it was used couldn't be more far apart; This American Life's episode on themortgage crisis (such a fantastic episode, really breaks it all down into understandable and humorous terms) and then an episode of CSI from the first season that I got from the library last week.

Well, encase you were worried, I have fully found my inner workaholic. I worked last
night till 9, home a little after 10, trying to fall asleep by 12. Alarm at 7 am, up at 7:30 am, work both jobs, done again at 9 pm, went to pick up my brother from his work and am home again by 11 pm. And if I get to sleep in the next ten minutes, asleep by midnight. I'm recalling my college years with increasing frequency. My biggest complaint is that I dreamt about work stuff last night - my few couple hours reprieve from it! Hopefully tonight isn't a repeat, and I'm really looking forward to these next hours of sleep. night.

This American Life on Mother's Day.

Well, This American Life did it again. Went ahead and made me take in the moment, re-connect to the human experience, cry a little. Well, This American Life and Johnny Depp.

I've never seen the show, but tonight my brother came by for a little Mother's Day celebration and over the course of conversation mentioned he's watching shows on yahooTV. So I went to the site, and the This American Life segement caught my eye. I thought I'd just see the first couple minutes and then maybe come back to it later. I should have known better. I was glued to my seat for the next half hour.

You can get sucked in and love it too, here.

And thanks Mom, for coming in and letting me share it with you, and watching with it me, again. Thanks for being the most supportive and loving mother you could possibly be. For pushing me out into the world, and letting me come back home after. The pizza stone, the card, the dinner and pie - all are just symbols of my love and appreciation. The things I charish most about being your daughter are those that immeasurable. Happy Mother's Day.

Wednesday May 7, 2008
1.98 miles

The run was humid, sweaty, and hard. I remembered why I hate running during the day. Hate it. And I did cut out the giant block around the high school. I'm on a time crunch, and like I said - it was humid, sweaty and not so fun. Still, I went, and doing that this week is good enough for me.

California Here We Come

At this exact moment it is 11:00 pm. I told myself if I went to bed now, I could still get 8 hours of sleep. And I'm telling myself that once I write this I will in fact turn my self in. Really.

But I had this moment today. Getting in my car at exactly 3:33 pm, needing to start my second job at 4, with google maps saying it takes 24 minutes to make this commute. I still have the podcast of This American Life on from my morning commute, mid cast. I keep it on and listen Ira Glass talk about what he's learned from television. Not even from his own show, but about this Fox Teen reality show. I could try to describe it, but I could never do it justice. You have to listen for yourself. It was Act 3. (But listen to the whole thing. Dadid Rakoff and Dan Savage are hilarious).

And you can have you're own moment with it. But for me, it was listening to it while I hummed along literally and figuratively on the highway from job to job, feeling like this day really is the first day of the rest of my life,or at least the next two eyar of it, and yet this little piece of radio putting me in the moment, in my car, in my life.

Come on out. Oh, the weather outside is weather...

Sunday May 4, 2008
2.4 miles

I took a week off from running- I wasn't feeling well and just decided to. The only thing with taking time off, is that you gotta eventually go back on. I tried to resist it, but I had told myself that I had to get back on the wagon tonight.
And if there ever was a week to start up again, this might not be the best. I worked at my 2nd job this weekend, and it's my first week at my new job. That means I'm on every day from Saturday to Friday, working both jobs on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. Everyone keeps giving me this - oh that's gonna suck, aren't you gonna hate that - kinda look. But the thing is, since I've been unemployed/marginally-unemployed for 6 months, i'm so excited to be working and making money again that well, I just don't mind at all. I'm infact looking forward to it. Yes it's going to be an adjustment to doing nothing to doing a lot, but in the past I'm usually at my best when I have a lot of structure in my life. My only fear is that I've lost my work-aholic ways, but I have the feeling I'll find them again.
Anyways, maybe not the best time to add running back in, but I'm thinking if I can do it this week, I can do it any time. Always optimistic, we'll see tomorrow after my first 12 hour day (14 with commute) how it all goes.

Also, a little more of a Forgetting Sarah Marshall review: I was a little hesitant, because Judd Apatow had produced it, but that isn't a given that'll be funny. And it's Jason Segel's first writting credit (to the best of my knowledge) and it doesn't have most of the Aptow crew. No Seth Rogen (my fav) or Jay Barcuchel, and Jonah Hill and Paul Rudd are in it, but limitedly. In fact, one of my complaints would be that they, along with Bill Hader, weren't used to their full hilarious potential. Although new Brit I'd never heard of Russell Brand was in it a lot and very funny. I'm not sure the movie was worth $9, but overall I have fond memories and liked it.
I liked that the pace went quickly in the begining. And there's a scene in there where they show Jason Segel's penis - more than once. I know this was for comedic affect; as he is totally nude and the girl is fully clothed. But while this was happening, and I was laughing, I was also thinking "I wonder if everyone would be laughing if some girl's crotch was being showed? Or her boobs?" Women's bodies are shown naked in films all the time, but when men's bodies are shown naked it's shocking. So, even though I know it was for comedy, I appreciate Jason Segel for leveling the playing field a little, and showing some skin, a lotta skin.

Another Friday Night Title

Tonight I did one of the most fearful things a single person can do on a summer Friday night; I went to the movies alone. Going to the movies alone can be weird enough, but going on a Friday night when the weather is warm and big budget super-hero movie is coming out, well, it's down right intimidating.
I didn't think much of it, well ok, that's a lie. I knew it might be scary, but I didn't realize how much so until I pulled into the parking lot and saw all the cars. Rows and rows of cars.
Then, it was the crowd. The first wave being all the teenagers play-fighting/flirting outside the theatre while they wait for their parent's to pick them up. The second wave being all the teenagers on their phones and college students holding hands in a line waiting for Iron Man and popcorn. I survived the waves of studded wrist bands and pants with unused belts. I kept mum, paid for my ticket to the movie rom-com I was hoping Iron Man would be a good diversion from, found the theatre and headed to the back row. The theatre was a little more crowded than I expected or would have liked, but I would not let the masses win.
I sat in the back row, my feet up on the chair in front of me, and while I admit I hesitated for a moment, I regained my composure and took out my knitting as the previews started ( I do admit to timing it so I got into the theatre exactly 3 minutes before the film stated).
Had a great time by the way, I thought Forgetting Sarah Marshall was pretty good. It confirmed that everything Judd Apatow touches is hilarious, even if he's just producing. I wanted to see Iron Man or Baby Mama too, but I this was the movie I wasn't sure anyone else would go see with me, and it came out last weekend, so I was banking on a lesser crowd.
Only draw back was this: I realized while the previews were running why the sound is loud at the movies - it's to drown out the kids talking. As I had this thought, the next one was "When did this happen? When did I become an adult who wants to shhhhh kids." Ok, I'm not really going to shhhh anyone, I just secretly hope someone else will.
So, I am an shhhh-wishing adult who goes to movies and sits in the back and knits. And it's fun, and while it's not fighting on the front-lines of anything, I'm pretty proud of myself.

Scenes That Caught My Fancy This Week:

1.) The West Wing 6th Season, 2162 Votes:
"I had hoped to be standing here tonight under very different circumstances and I have been asked, by people I respect, to take the opportunity to support one of the other fine candidates who have made this race with me -- To help decide who our nominee will be, but I can't do that. I can't do that because it is not my place to decide who our nominee will be. That decision is yours and yours alone. You know, there's been a great deal made today of Governor Baker's decision not to disclose his wife's minor medical decision. Many people believe that he should have, but I don't believe Governor Baker failed to disclose it because he was ashamed or embarrassed. I think he didn't disclose it because we're the hypocrites, not the Bakers. Because we're all broken --- every single one of us --- and yet we pretend that we're not. We all live lives of imperfection and yet we cling to the fantasy that there's a perfect life and that our leaders should embody it, but if we expect our leaders to live on some higher moral plane than the rest of us, well, we're just asking to be deceived. Now, it's been suggested to me this week that I should try to try to buy your support with jobs and the promise of access' it has been suggested to me that party unity is more important than your democratic rights as delegates. That's right, it's not and you have a decision to make. Don't vote for us because you think we're perfect. Don't vote for us because of what we might be able to do for you only. Vote for the person who shares your ideals, your hopes, your dreams. Vote for the person who most embodies what you believe we need to keep our nation strong and free. And when you have done that you can go back to New York, to Chicago, to Omaha, and to Miami and San Fransisco, to Seattle, to Austin with your head held high and say, 'I am a member of the Democratic Party.'"

2.) Sling and Arrows, Season 2, "Birman Wood"
On Stage -
Romeo: I have night's cloak to hide me from their sight;
And but thou love me, let them find me here:
My life were better ended by their hate,
Than death prolonged, wanting of thy love.
Offstage -
Ellen : I hate this play
Jeffery: Yeah.
Ellen: When you watch it you feel miserable, because you don't have that kind of passion in your life.
No body does.
It's a fantasy.
It's irresponsible.
Jeffery: Yeah.
On Stage:
Romeo: I am no pilot; yet, wert thou as far
As that vast shore wash'd with the farthest sea,
I would adventure for such merchandise.
Off Stage -
Jeffery: Yeah. You know what I think.
It's painfully accurate.
Two idiots meet.
They fall in love.
They're happy.
Briefly.
And then all hell breaks lose.
Happens all the time.
On Stage -
Romeo: What shall I swear by?

3.) 30 Rock, Season 2, "Cougars"
Liz: Hi, Order for Pick Up. Yes, I'd like a meatball sub with extra bread and my name is -
Phone Guy: Liz.
Liz: Yea! That's me.
Jack: Big night Lemon? Let me guess: meatball sub with extra bread, bottle of nyquil, Tivo Top Chef, a little Miss Bonnie Rait and lights out.
Liz: No, I have something to do tonight Jack.
Jack: Then you won't mind when I tell you Casey gets voted off tonight.
Liz: YOU MONSTER! Why are you like this!

The Game of Life

On Friday my good friend Katy and I went to a bar in Chicago that, along with serving beer and pizza, also has board games for it's patrons to partake in. Katy is one of my oldest friends and one of the things we used to do over ten years ago when we first became friends was play the board game "Life". Riding bikes through subdivisions, ice cream sundaes, and Life was a summer in middle school. So we played it again this Friday, having actually lived some of life at this point.

Besides getting "Life Tiles" that said I became President and won a Nobel Prize, as well as discovering a Planet and saving an endangered species, I found this one thing in the game really fascinating:
You had to get married.
The game starts with either begining your career or going to college first. (I choose college and got "You loaned your car to a friend and they crashed it. You owe $5,000). Then those two pathes converge, you get a payday, and then:
Stop. Get Married, Add another person to your car.
It doesn't say if you have to get married to a man or woman, but you do have to get married.

I was explaining this to a friend today, and realized that, while we may over come the discrimination we have against homosexuality (and I'm not saying that we don't have a long way to go in that field, cuz we do) the Game of Life mandates that you have to get married - it doesn't matter to whom, but if you don't you can't move forward. I can marry a girl, but we have yet to get over the stigma that I need to get married at all.

Sunday April 20, 2008
2.4 miles

Monday April 21, 2008
2.4 miles

Both were extremely late at night, but really really good runs.

Friday night fears

Friday, April 18, 2008
2.4 miles

It took me till the final hour of the day, but I did run, as I'd promised myself I would on Monday when I last ran. I know myself well enough to know that I wasn't going to run Tues, Wed, Thurs when I would get home. So I gotta make it up tonight & tomorrow . One night down, one to go.

It was misty and warm out tonight, it was perfect. But I really do need to invest in some pepper spary or something. I was startled by a rabbit, tiwce actually - once in the begining and once at the end - but rabbits don't really warrent self-defence. The other things that startled me did though. After I rounded the high school I was distracted by watching midnight janitor in the hallway in side the school, when I looked up to begin turning away from the school I looked up to see a middle-aged man just staning on the corner across the street from the high school. No dog on a leash, no cell phone in hand, just standing there. Very creepy.
I also had another lone guy smoking cross my path near the factory I run past after the high school.
Just towards the end a ran around a car blocking a parking lot and then saw a huge group of people smoking outside the local bar. I automatically crossed the street, not really out of safetly, but more out of fear of seeing people my age at a bar will I look all sweaty in stretchy workout clothes. Worst nightmare (besides the lone creepy guy on the corner) and I'd forgotten it was Friday night.

Late night Meme

Well, I didn't run today. Infact, I did the opposite. I totally over ate. I think it was the shopping. Since I've been unemployed/broke I haven't been in store with the thought of actually purchasing something in forevera. But tomorrow (or rather today now that it's 1 am) I've got an interview that could help end this broke-ness so I splurged on a professional type dress. Anyhoo, long story and I tried on dresses at the Gap. All on sale, don't worry. It was aweful. All the dresses made me look like just a giant blob of fabric. I felt the opposite of stylish, and remembered why I wear skirts, if ever. And here's my query that I was be-moaning to my friend the other day:
Why is it, that when I feel the worst about my body I don't think "Hey, I'll go for a run?" and instead I think "Hey, where are the oreos?" Why is exercising the last thing I wanna do when my self-esteem is in the garbage disposal?

Anyways, it's 1 in the morning now, and while I totally should sleep because last night was an un-successful night of sleep, I'm not going to. A co-worker put a meme on facebook to day and so I'm gonna do that instead. Just to entertain me till my eye lids close. It looks long enough that it very well could accomplish that. I'm deleting some stuff in the "Personal" section though, as I don't wanna put information, that's well, personal, on the internet.


* PERSONAL*
Age: 26
Astrological sign: Aquarius
Siblings: one younger brother
Pets: none that are mine personally, but maybe someday a dog
Nicknames: Al, Ali Baby, Al-Babe
School: both in western suburbs of Chicago

* FAVORITE..?*
Colour:blue, but my warddorb would lead you to think black
Food: cheese
Beverage: root beer
Class: Philosophy of Law with Cavannegh & Fisher. Best. Class. Ever. Even at 8 am.
Teacher: Gleijer over all, but also Fisher for getting me to take that Philisophy of Law class and getting me through my philisophy minor. And Jackson for being crazy.
Number: 25
Flower: I don't really have one. Most all flowers are fine with me
Book: I'll go with The Power Of One, but I'm pretty in love with Harry Potter series, and favorite of the moment is King Dork.
Movie: So hard to choose! High Fidelity, Almost Famous, The Departed, Knocked Up, the list goes on.
Actor/Actress: of the moment: Micheal Cera. Kate Winslet
Fast Food Restaurant: unfortunately any of them, although I'm on a boycott at the moment
Store: Gap
Board Game: Apples 2 Apples
CD: I've been in a Justin Timberlack, Dispatch, Wilco, Ryan Adams kinda mood lately.
Musical Instrument(s): I love the drums in Rock Band
Cologne/Perfume: I wear something from the Gap
Computer Game: Solitare
Thing to do on the Weekend: magazines at Borders, movies, knitting. Go to a party.
Word/Phrase: Jeez oh Petes
Holiday: Thanksgiving

* LEAST FAVORITE..?*
color: yellow
Food: asparagus
Beverage: Tequila
Class: any math class
Teacher: Kirby
Movie: I hated There's Something About Mary. I know I know, everyone else on the planet loved it. Not this girl.
Restaurant: I'm not huge on Japanese food.
Word/Phrase: pussy
Day: thursdays

* HAVE YOU EVER..?*
Been In Love: yes
Used Tobacco (smoke or chew): no
Thought you were going to die: no
Run away from home: no
Broken a bone: no
Lied: yes
Skinny Dipped: yes
Had a Medical Emergency: yes, although I personally was not in distress


* DO YOU BELIEVE IN..?*
Love at first sight: not sure, but I'm doubtful
Luck: sure
God: yes
Aliens: doubtful, but I dunno.
Ghosts: I'm on the fence about this one all the time. I think no, but I then again, I think it's possible
Horoscopes: no, but I read mine almost every day.
Heaven: I'm not even going to pretend to know the answer to that
Hell: same as above
Yourself: sometimes
Angels: no idea, but I'm doubtful

* WHICH IS BETTER..?*
Coke or Pepsi: I used to be a Pepsi girl, but I've become a trader. Coke.
Oranges or apples: oranges
One pillow or two: one
Pools or hot tubs: pools
Windows or AC: depends
TV or radio: in the car radio for sure, and if I can get it on dvd, I'm all about tv
Paper or plastic: paper

* WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU..?*
Cried: wednesday
Went to a movie: two weeks ago
Talked on the phone: today
Read a book: lunch time today
Your most prized and important possession: i'm a pack rat, I think everything is a prized and important possession
Your biggest accomplishment: graduating college, my journey through the Canadian Wildreness
Your biggest fear: being unable to act, to not be able to anything in the moment
Your greatest talent: patience

* WHAT DO YOU THINK OF..?*
Abortion: pro-choice
Pre-Marital Sex: As long as it's safe, I don't care what you personally decide to do or whom you do it with
Death Penalty: I'm not really sure, but if I lean one way, it's against


* WHO..?*

Makes You Laugh the Most: Liz
Is the Most Psychotic Person You Know: I'm going with the answer that was here when I copied it: If there even was such a person I would never name them here
Is the Nicest Person You Know: Greer
Do you go to for advice: all of them: my friends, my mom, my mom's friends.
Do you hate: President Bush
Knows the most about you: all of them: my friends, my mom, my mom's friends.
Has it easier, guys or girls: not sure
Sends you the most emails: Katie

* What makes you ...?*
happy: reading, movies, magazines, crossword puzzles, new yarn, friends, good music, kayaking.
Really Sad: lonliness
Really Angry: people who just want to argue and can't see the other side of the arguement.

* WHAT ABOUT..?*
School: what about it? Glad I went. But I'm not one of those "I love to learn" people. Well, I am, but only with some classes. Mostly, I go for the degree.
Your friends: their great.
Being female: wow, this meme takes a lotta assumptions huh? But it's right, I am female, and I think it's got it's perks.
Life: yep.
What is something about you that nobody knows:
Oh, I tell just about everyone everything about me or my life.

* ARE YOU ...*
A Rebel Or Do You Follow All The Rules: I typically follow rules when they are there
A Leader Or A Follower: Mostly I'm a leader, but I can shut up and follow when needed.
A Good Friend: I'd like to think so.
A Good Listener: I think so, but I'm sure I could improve.
Shy Or Outgoing: Outgoing, even when I don't think I am.

* ABOUT THE FUTURE ... ...*
Where Do You See Yourself In Ten Years: PHAGH! like I have any idea!
Do You Like To Dream Ahead Or Go With The Flow: Both.

Monday Is My Saturday

If I had a band, that would be one of my song titles. I just like the sound of it. I had to work this Saturday, and today I did today all the things I would have done on Saturday if I hadn't. I wrote a ton of correspondence, I mailed said correspondence, I went to the bank, I got movies and got to knit and watch them.

And I went for a run. Didn't go till about 10 minutes to 10, but I went. And I was back home, showered and in my jammies by 11. I should consider going late more often.

Monday, April 14, 2008
2.4 miles

Librarypalooza

Sunday April 12, 2008
2.4 miles

- more of a shuffle than a run, but a perfect moon-lite night.

Today is the begining of National Library Week, and to celebrate we had a big 'ol party at the library; complete with ballons, cookies, music, raffle prizes, and face painting.

Face painting you said? Yep, that was my department. And I have to say, I can do a damn fine butterfly or rocket-ship. I let Susan handle the skull-and-cross bones and dinosaurs, she was good at those. Anyways, I have these photos I took and I'm not sure where else to put them but I wanted to post them somewhere cuz I just think they are too much fun not to. So, here it is:



a "tattoo" i gave myself. Come on, admit, it's awesome.



Susan gave me a Monster on my hand, and I thought it was spectacular



It may be a litle lame to admit this, but I am really pretty proud of my bulletin board. April is Jazz Appreciation Month, and Poetry Month - the musical notes have poems by Maya Angelou and William Shakespeare, both born in April. As well as musical notes for Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday, also both born in April.



buttons on the latest hat I made



my latest hat. A little random to add here, but I think you'll admit that all the pics here are pretty random.

Spring Cleaning

Soooooo, obviously haven't done the whole "I'll just do it a lot" Nike-esc running thing. I dunno what's going on with me lately, but I just have not been feeling it. I know I just need to go again. If I go. I'll remember why it is that I do it. The more time that lapses between runs, the farther away the beneifts seem to be.

Beyond the lack of running, and blogging, things have been busy. I've gone on some nanny interviews, and remembered that I'm willing to stick it out for a good gig that makes sense. I may feel like I don't have options, like my choices are limited, but that is not the actual case.

One of my bestest friends in the world came to stay for a couple of days this past week and it was a fantastically benign visit. That visit, plus numerous hang-outs with Chicago-based friends, made for a very social week, which was surprisingly hard to handle. I finally had to face that I've become very detached since moving back home, and being social and detached doesn't often work well together for me.

I noticed that I felt like my life was becoming kinda cluttered; like there were little piles just accumulating in my life. So I spent all day today doing some serious spring cleaning. Put together two+ bags of stuff for the Goodwill, as well as getting some general dusting accomplished, and got ride of the all those peesky piles. Feels good, feels fresh.
In this spring cleaning I came across a box of photos. They are all my favorite photos from over the years; the photos I take with me whenever I move somewhere. I haven't put them up since I came home, which I can't really explain why that is. I live in one room basically and I have a lot of things up already and finding the right space or time to put them up is the best excuse I can come up with.
Until today when I went through them again. I pulled out all the photos of the scenery/non-people pics I have and put them. Moving back home, broke, single, applying to schools - I've felt like I'm the youngest 26 year old alive; feeling more like I'm 18. I feel like I'm starting all over again, starting from scratch. But without a lot of the familarity that one would think could come with age. I've left the community of NWL, the camp I went to/worked for for 10 years. I broke up with my boyfriend. I've still got my great group of friends, that I also had when I was 18. Everything in my life is still the same as it was the last time I was here only wihtout some things. Finding these pictures of churches in Scotland, the first time I saw the ocean in Mexico, the reeds, mountains and lakes in Canada, the zoo in Chicago, the beaches of Michigan, Mountains in Vermont, Big Ben in London, the seaside in California, sunsets and portages. Having these things up, reminds me that I have been places. and in all likely hood, I'll add more pictures of more places some day.

Rainy Day Run vs. Sunny Day Run

I kinda can't believe it, but I've kept it up. I ran on Monday against all odds. I put on my running clothes, got my ipod set, was ready to go and looked out the window. It was a down-pour. I tried to wait it out and made cupcakes in the mean-time, a little counter productive to the running, but the majority of them later went to co-workers who really appreciated them. The day progressed and I thought I had an opening in the weather to go for a run, but I only made it about 3/4 of the loop before I called my mom, who was already in the car, to come pick me up. It had started to rain again and I needed to leave early for my commute because of that.
Still, I went, and that is what was important.
I went again today and I wish I could have swapped today's weather for Mondays. Monday was really warm, depsite the rain. Today was a perfect cool spring day. A cold breeze without a cloud in the sky, the sun was out. I hate these days for running. My ideal is a rainy night, I like the moisture in the air, along with the cover of darkness. I realize that what I like about running at nights or on rainy days is that I feel less, obvious. Running in the broad day light in the middle of the afternoon, like I did today, is my least favorite thing to do, especially past the high school.
But I did it, cuz I knew it was the only time today I could go. So:

Wednesday April 2, 2008
2.4 miles

Starting again

The internet is down at my house right now (&%*^!) and right now I'm at the library, which is closing in T minus 13 minutes, so I gotta make this quick. But, I finally ran yesterday, and I wanted to write it down:

March 29, 2008
2.4 miles

It was a good run and I came to the conclusion that I need to just do this loop - I call it the high school loop, cuz I just run to the high school, around the giant block it sits on, and then loop back to my house. Because, since I've moved home I do that as a warm up and then the rest of the week try to push it a little farther (that's when I go the rest of the week). I am always feeling like if I go less then 3 miles it - like it's inconsequential or something. I know that's probably not true, but I dunno, all the running mags always talk about 3 miles as just a warm up. Anyways, I decided (again) that consistency is what's important. When I started running a year ago, I decided I didn't care about my time, that going should be enough. I focused on distance. But now that I know I can do it, that I can run at all in the first place, I think I just need to focus on that - doing it.

Dangerous Ground

This could be dangerous to blog about, but the thought occured to me more than once today, so I'm just going to write it down: Having a crush just makes life more fun. Seriously. It adds just a little touch of fun to one's day.
Like I said, it could get dangerious if I go further. At this point the crush is inconsequential and if I even showed up on this persons' radar I'd be shocked. But you never know, somehow they stumbles across this blog and then I'm in a whole heap of trouble.
If I get in any kinda trouble with a crush, I'd like it to be because of personal interaction, not through my blog. When/if I make a move, I'd like to do it in person so I'm at least aware of it and there to see the fallout. If I blog about it and somehow, some way it's found out, I may never know, and I'd feel that much sillier in the end. And since stranger things have happened, I'll stop it at this: Crushes are fun.

I NEED to start running again. NEED to. I bought some cheap new running pants tonight - something for spring, something inbetween full winter running pants and shorts. Hopefully this will be enough motivation for tomorrow morning, but over all I'm seriously faltering here. Joel, any tips on motivation? I might go back and read the email you sent me while I was in Toronto.

I feel like there are other things I could blog about, but I'm also feeling like my opening statements in this entry are ringing true for other topics: they could be dangerous, and I hesitate on the side of writing more. It's such a strange line, because I don't want my blog to be just about movies, npr, and running. I mean, I love all those things, but there's sooooooo much more to me. I have so much more to say. But whom to am I saying it to?
or maybe it's, who should I be saying it to?