Au revoir

It's currently 4:27 am.
I've been up since 3:08 am.
I got up, looked around for my ipod some more (realized at 10:30 pm last night that I hadn't seen it all day, searched for an hour an a half, couldn't find it, went to bed around midnight for 3 hours).
Did my AM yoga routine.
Got dressed. Looked for ipod more. Moved all luggage (and it's a lot - I mean, how do you pack for an adventure in which you have no idea what job you will have, or even in the end where you may be living) to the front room so I'd be ready to leave.
With an hour left before I had to go, I remembered there was only thing that I had on my list yesterday that I was unable to cross off - Find my GRE scores (not that I really want to, they are horrible, but some grad schools require them even if I don't want them to).
I thought "Well, maybe if I do this one last thing on my list I will find my ipod." (After having "ipod" literally be the last thing I was chanting to myself before I went to bed and have it on the back of my mind while trying to do yoga).
I go to the storage closet I created in my parent's basement (thanks Mom and Dad!) and look through some files.
Success, I find the GRE scores! I decide one last time to look through a bag I have looked through repeatedly, and Voi-La, there's my ipod. Now, I am ready to go. I wish I could say that all the nervousness disappeared about my trip once I found it; that I'd fixated all my anxiety about my life into this one corner of it, like, if I could find my ipod it would all be ok. And I felt exhilarated for about 30 seconds when I found it, and then my nervousness was back.

I woke up this morning wanting to vomit. Yoga was kinda a joke - "Let all your tension relax into the ground...." Yeah, not so much happening. But I did have this revelation while doing yoga: Every super-hero's power is a power but also a curse. You know, "with great power comes great responsibility" (name that comic book hero!). If I were a super hero, I think my power/curse is my anxiety. It pushes me to do great things, but it also causes me great sorrow.
That's my big insight for the day, and it's only 4:38 am.

And so, this is it folks. The 5:00 am train into the city, the 7:00 am bus up North. I am taking all the good will I can get, so wish me luck and send me good travel thoughts today!

P.S. - A belated shout out to my friend Michael, whose birthday was yesterday!

T minus one day and counting...

Have you ever realized how many Christmas songs are also Couple/I Love You songs? A lot. Damn you Christmas songs for being so wonderful and holiday-ie and whatnot, along with being all couple-y! damn you.

Ok, well, with that out of the way.
Just an update: T minus 24 hours now. My bus leaves for Toronto Thursday morning.
The beginning of the week was not the best, just a rough day and feeling down. But things have turned up, I've gotten some much needed things accomplished (including getting my driver's license renewed, such a relief to have THAT over). And now the only things left to do are wrap birthday presents, a doctor's appointment, a lunch date, and packing. All which are planned for tomorrow.
And then, ready or no,I am once again off to the North Country. It feels like the right thing. It's been great being home, and living with the parental units has been enjoyable. But it's not time to move back here yet, at least not before trying to make it out there on my own in a town I've always loved, with friends at my side. Wish me luck, and keep checking back as I will update on the adventure here. Now that all the slow transitional stuff is almost over.

Side note on the driver's license process: Next time I have to get it renewed will be 2012, and I will be 30. When I got my old license I was 21. I never would have imagined where I would have been at 25 - a lot can happen in 4 years, and I have no idea what my life will be like the next time I visit the DMV.

All at once

Ok, so I need to blog. It's been days now, and I've been putting it off. I know, I know, it's NoBloPo. On top of that, I was going to blog everyday to chronicle this big transition in my life.

Here's the update on transition: it's slow.

It's a slow, stressful,boring process. I've spent the last week feeling like I'm running around with my head cut off, doing lots and lots of things while feeling like I'm not actually getting anything done.

I've been filling out grad school applications (oh, I hate grad school already), writing personal essays (oh, I hate writing essays again already), sending out requests for letters of recommendations, sending out requests for college transcriptions, looking into FASA (I love and hate you just like I did the last time
around), catching up with some people at home, catching up a lot with family, listening to a lot of music on my ipod, trying to feel as organized as one can before moving to another state/province, and doing yoga at least once a day.

That's been my week. I had an awesome Thanksgiving with my family. At family
gatherings I always feel kinda displaced and a over all feeling of
unnaturalness at the beginning . But by the end, we've all fallen into
our places and it becomes rather enjoyable. Thanksgiving was as it
should be: I was so thankful for the gifts of my life, and I ate a lot
of really yummy food.

One last thing to be documented: I bought my bus ticket to Toronto last night. Only 50 bucks if you're traveling on a weekday and buy it 7 days in advance; how awesome is that? Rhetorical question, because it's pretty awesome. But there it is, official, I am packing my bags and headed North once again.
Terrifying.

High School

The Forecast: "You can take the girl out of high school, but you can't take the high school out of the girl" - said by my friend Liz today, to me.

The Backstory: As I was walking into Borders today the memory of the time I had been there with my now ex-boyfriend, before we were dating, came across my mind. With this thought I opened the door to the store and noticed two guys who at first glance could be in my age group, and so, I gave them a second glance; trying to erase thoughts of my ex-boyfriend. Turned out, the second glance did the trick because I recognized the profile of my former high-school crush.

To say "crush" is to put it lightly. I was infatuated. You know, the way you can be in high-school. He was dark, mysterious, socially-awkward, an artist, moody - I should have taken notes then about the future guys I would be attracted to - and all I wanted in the world was for him to pay any kind of attention to me.
Which, some times he did, but only in IM. Did I mention he was socially awkward?

Turns out, he still is.
And so am I, because this is what I did next:

I recognize him and immediately head for the back of the story where I call my friend Liz, who is exactly who I would have called had this happened 8 years ago in high school. I leave her this message:
"{uncontrolable laughter} {in whisper}oh my god Liz. {again, laughter} I'm in Borders, and {laughter} oh my god, you'll never guess whose here. {more laughter} I saw Michael T. Smith. {laughter} And I can't believe I'm whispering this message to you in the back of the store. I'm hangin up now {more laughter}"

Needless to say, Liz called me back and we laughed good and hard about it, while she also tried to convince me to go talk to him. I tried, really I did. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. About a month ago, at a Borders parking lot in a different state, I asked out a total stranger. Just went up to him and asked him out.
But sitting not three feet from a boy that I went to my senior Homecoming dance with (long and funny story how THAT came about, but that will have to wait for a later day) I couldn't even bring myself to look at him, to try to make eye contact so I could say "Hey, don't I know you from high school..."
And neither, Liz would want me to point out, did he.

Unspoken in words

Tonight at dinner I was in the mode - the one were I'm just chatting and being outgoing, getting through a big school Thanksgiving dinner. As I am chatting, I go to see my friend - a close friend that I haven't seen in awhile, and since I'm leaving, will probably not see for an even longer time.
This friend pulls me into a hug, which a lot of people have done tonight. Unlike a lot of people though, she doesn't let me pull away. She just, continues to hug me. She hugs me to say all the things she that no one really wants to say in a crowded dinning hall full of teenagers.
She says I'm sorry. She says I love you. She says I believe in you. She says I am your friend. She says I will miss you.
All in a hug.
I had to say "Lynne, you have to stop hugging me or I'm going to cry."

I cried. And I realized again tonight, more than just with Lynne, how much I love my friends.

Another Last

I don't want to get on a My Last Fill-in-the-Blank, but this blog every day of the month is a good chronicle of my last days here. So - this was the last Tuesday.

I'm gonna skip my whole work day and go straight into what made it a "Last" Tuesday: dinner. The girls who live in the dorm, where I worked the past two years, and I went out to dinner. It was very touching; we all got dinner, they got me a ice craem sunday, and they had made me a present. A picture frame with all of us, with "We'll miss you so much" written on the matte of the frame. So cute! Along with all their signitures and well wishes.

Had we just gone to dinner, that could have been understandable - another excuse to get off campus. But you should see this picture frame, it's so cute. For teenagers to put that kind of thought into something, I really do appreciate it.

You would think I would cry. I would I would cry. But I didn't. Not really sure why, I think mostly it just hasn't hit me yet. It isn't good-bye, there are still 4 more days of work. Still, this dinner & picture frame - made it that much more real. The last dinner with the girls. The last Tuesday.

The Last Monday

Well, there it was - my last Monday in the Academic Office. Here's the list I make when I come into work:

1.Voicemail
(it gets first dibs because I hardly ever have a voicemail message, so
if I do, I figure it must be important - it usually isn't.)

2. Email. (It gets 2nd dibs because parents usually email me and they, as do most people, like prompt responses. Plus, if someone has something they want in the daily
bulletin, they've emailed it to me.)

3. Daily Bulletin. (Send it out to every parent, student, staff and faculty remember in the school community with information on club meetings, field trips, travel plans, sports, you name it, it's in there).

4.
Travel. (Coordinate any transportation for the day/week & travel to
and from the airport for breaks. Today, that involved emailed about 20
parents as to why they haven't gotten me their plans yet).

5. Do whatever else needs to be done - right now that's putting together a list of every time a student appeared in the nightly report. Along with interviewing candidates or my replacement. Also, putting together mailing lists for our annual fund raiser.

All in a Monday, my last Monday.

Limbo Number Nine

My blogger is still working, so I'm gonna try to keep up with my blogging. It's been a weird weekend, and it's only going to lead into a weird week. It's my last full weekend here, so I've spent a lot of it packing. Now there's not much left except my television, my laptop and my kitchen. Yes, it's about as exciting as it sounds. As with any move, I feel very much in limbo.

That sense of limbo also leads to a hightened sense of boredom. I can only pack up so much, you know? So, to fill in the rest of the blog, I'm going to react to my friend's request to come up with nine physical things that I enjoy about myself. Here we go:

1. My legs (they're pretty awesome. I should learn to like skirts)
2. My boobs
3. My hair
4. My ability to tan/my skin tone
5. do my glasses count? I'll say my eyes & glasses.
6. My hands
7. My lips

ok, seriously, this is harder than I thought!

8. I like the way my butt looks most of the time
9. ok, here's my thoght process as I struggle for #9: ummmm, what else, what else? i like the way my earlobes are attached. But that's kinda really streatching for something, i like the way long earrings look against my neck? Is that my neck or my ears?
So number 9 is a tie between neck & ears.

and obviously, I'm extremely bored....

Top Five Movies (Plus)

So, obviously, the whole NoBloPoMo thing hasn't worked out so well. For some reason the filter on my internet (yep, living at a school) lets me visit my blog, but not actually post anything. Except for right now! Not totally sure why, but I'm just gonna run with it. So, here's a post I wrote a couple days ago while packing (T minus 7 days and counting).

Top 5 movies:

So, you’re moving, your not sure how long you’ll be gone, what movies do you bring?

Out of my Movie Collection: These are the ones that are making the cut:

Yoga instruction: because I swear, I will work yoga into my day at some point in my life, and maybe this is it.

Almost Famous: “It’s all happening” – one of my top five movies of all time, good music, good movie, Parick Fuggit, Cameron Crowe. It wins.

Bourne Identity & Bourne Supremacy: They are the only action flicks I own (no, wait, does Batman Begins count? I discount it because I define it as Comic Strip Action), and sometimes, I need a little action (and a little Matt Damon).

The Departed: Maybe also defined as action? I don’t really think so, mostly defined probably as straight up violent. But so so good. It’s coming with.

The Family Stone: Totally cheesy but also the only film in my movie collection that is guaranteed to make me cry.

Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban: I own this one, and the first one, and this one is by far the superior movie. It might even go so far as to say it’s the best of the movie series.

High Fidelity: Because it’s the daddy of the top five in the first place.

Knocked Up: cuz it’s hilarious.

Saved: It’s got laughs, it’s got heart, it’s got Mandy Moore crashing her car into Jesus. Oh, and it’s got Patrick Fuggit again.

Wimbleton: Total chick flick, that doesn’t make me cry.

The films that didn’t make the cut:
*10 Things I Hate About You: yes, it’s awesome, that’s why I own it. But I’ve already been living in high school for the past two years, I don’t need to bring it with.

* Batman Begins: Is the resurrection of the Batman series. But I’m going with Bourne instead.

* Chasing Amy: surprisingly, the only Kevin Smith film that I actually own. It’s so great, but it’s another high school film for me. I’ve seen it so often, I don’t need to bring it.

* Garden State: for personal reasons. Just can’t watch that for awhile.

* Harry Potter 1: Cuz 3 is soooo much better.

* Jerry Maguire: “You had me at hello” – not something I need right now, although it’s such a fabulous movie. Still, if I’m gonna bring Cameron Crowe with me, I’m going with Almost Famous.

*Lord of the Rings II: for some reason, the middle one is the only one I have. Weird…

* When Harry Meet Sally: it’s scratched, and it was when I bought it for like 5 bucks when I was living in Vermont.

* Wonder Boys: One of the best films about writing. Will come along some day, but not right now.

TV shows: Both Sports Night & West Wing will probably come along. But not Sex in the City. Sorry Carrie, but I’ll take Josh Lyman.

NaBloPoMo

I haven't read all the info on this, but my friend does this every November, and in trying to become a more serious blogger, well, I think I should do it to. And since my internet will shut down in approximately 48 minutes and I have about 5 million other things I should do right now, well, I need to get crackin.

To keep this short I will say this: I think November is a fantastic month for me to try to blog every day. I will start out the month in Northern Michigan; in the middle of the month I will move everything I own back to Chicago-land, and by the end of the month, will be on my friend's couch in Toronto. That's if every thing goes according to plan, which we all know, it never does. So there isn't a more perfect month that I should document this whole "cross-roads at my life" thing.

Speaking of documentation, I would like to note, that a mouse just ran across my apartment. Time to go chase it down, pay some bills, pack some things and put my ass to bed!