A couple things I've been thinking upon over the past couple weeks:
1.) I love NPR and PRI. Seriously, I've been listening to my fav National Public Radio shows while working in my window-less office a lot lately, and it makes my whole day. All Things Considered, Talk of the Nation, Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, This American Life. I love you all.
2.) I am extremely excited to get back to my lovely city of Chicago at the end of this week. I feel like I've been forced to try and love it where I'm currently living. I mean, I've been the one forcing it; I've been looking for all the things I love about living up North. There are reasons. But I was emailing a friend of a friend from Chicago this week about Harry Potter. I thought he wasn't a fan, but turns out he was. He's a big movie - buff over all, and in emailing back and forth I realize I miss that. It may seem shallow, but I don't think it is. (Name that movie "Dave and Barry and I decided awhile ago that it's not what you are like, but what you like that makes a good relationship. Call me shallow, but it's the fucking truth " - hint, I've blogged about it before, and that quote may not be totally accurate) Up north, I just haven't found friends who enjoy pop culture, or really, I think, culture in general, as much as I do. I've been thinking of where I was in my life before I left the city, and I was really just discovering it. Going to free Latin music shows and then out to bars every week, going to movies, going to a new restaurant and meeting new people at parties all the time. I miss that. I miss friends who like the same thing that I do. Bands, movies, book-stores. This week I went to the movies by myself. I was excited for tonight because I had a friend who was going to go to the movies with me, but I just got a text that said "Can we go to the movies tomorrow? I need to go drink heavily". And it's not that I'm against heavy drinking, now that I think if it, I could use a stiff drink myself. But I miss the days of when drowning your sorrows in drinking heavily also meant listening to a band you love or eating a large bag of over-priced popcorn.
3.) I realize as well, that I was seriously depressed over the past year. I feel bad, and like apologizing to people in my life. I don't know exactly when it started, but I realize over the course of the past year I started sleeping more and more, I fell out of touch with friends, and over-all was not myself. The past couple weeks have been hard, but at least I feel like I've found myself again. A couple weeks ago a new friend pointed out during a conversation that "the thing about depression is that you don't really realize how depressed you were, until your not depressed any more. When you're in it, you don't even really know it."
I very much feel that way now. I'm not in it now, but I realize I was in deep in it for a extended period of time, and thank you so much to those friends who have kept up with me none-the-less.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
Filling the Void
I’ve been doing everything I can to fill time. I wake up early and the days go by quickly, but once four oclock hits, and I’m out the officce door, I feel this black void pressing in. As a friend put it yesterday, I’m”re-organizing my schedule”. If the weathers good, I go straight to the beach. I fill the void of “what to do now?” every day around 4 & 8. It’s like I’m just waiting for it to be dark so I don’t feel so lame for being in my apartment. Anyways, even with this void staring me in the face, I feel so busy these days. So busy that even though I have tons of things I’ve wanted to blog about, I haven’t been able to! But, I’ve decided to put aside any other projects and just sit here and put it out there, lucky you! My love for Harry Potter knows now bounds. My void of “what should I do tonight?” on wednesday was filled by going to the new movie. It was opening night, and I love going to opening nights. If there was a midnight show in my area, I probably would have gone. Opening nights for movies are great, becasue when a movie is popular enough to have a midnight showing, it means there is a whole culture that belongs to that movie. Price of the movie - too much, price of watching all the fans gather for their own cultural event - priceless. Anways, i didn’t go to the midnight show, but I showed my devotion my going by myself. I haven’t gone to the movies by myself for a long time, and it was harder than I antcipated. Still, the movie was worth it. It’s not a perfect movie, and it’s not the best representation of the book, but I think it did a good job. I won’t say anything more to ruin it for you other potter fans (katie), but I think it did a great job of taking the themes of the book and making them into a movie and not a direct play-by-play of the book. Question though: The trailers included “Enchanted” a Disney movie and “The Bourne Ultimatium” (also can’t wait!) wihch is Warner Brothers, like Harry Potter. A Disney movie and a WB movie being pitched within the screen time? What has happened to the universe??? The fact that I notice this type of thing makes me a super geek. I’ve realize this. Last week I bought a Entertainment Weekly (double issue! Sweet!!!!), and have been saving it for beach time. I realize that I am a geek, just by virtue of “saving” to read it, and the fact that when I do read it, I read almost every article. A couple years ago, I went to my college mailbox and found a Entertainment Weekly. A friend bought me a subscription for a year, and I’ve been thinking on it, and remembering that it was one of my favorite presents. By the by, this week during “what to do, what to do” time and rode my bike all the way around the little lake. I added it up and it was 15 miles. Go me. And the night only got better from there, after a shower I met friends in town and filled the void of time till 2 am! Not every night has been like that, but I like it that way. I'm not a 2 am-er everynight, but it makes the nights I stay in seems well spent, and makes the nights I go out seem worth-while. Variety is the spice of life.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Likes & Dislikes
Today is ending the way it started: dark and stormy. Which is fine with me. For one thing, storms are fun. I got home late last night, but I still got up early this morning, and the storm kept me up once I awoke. So I went to church. Weird, but true. Even weirder is that I went to Quaker church. I can’t explain my pull to this church, but one of the things about it is that you can just sit there and be. And I like that.
Another thing I like is watching the corn grow. Every time I go to town the corn seems to be getting taller, and I like that.
Thing I don’t like: when you go to the gas station and they say “welcome to Meijer pump number 10!” What are you supposed to do?! It’s not like you can say “Ahh thanks Meijer, how you doin’ today?” back to the pump. I hate it. Not to mention, as a anxious person, the sudden unexpected noise makes me jump a little.
Friday, July 6, 2007
July 5, 2004
Lots of things to talk about.
First of all, right after I wrote that update on my neck - the swelling went down dramatically. There’s still pain in my shoulder/back muscles, but the bump is down significantly I think.
Secondly: Yesterday was the Fourth Of July. I haven’t been in the States for Independence Day in, at the very least 6 years, I’m gonna guess it’s more like 10 years. I have to say, I had a fabulous holiday. During the winter you can maybe find 50 people in my town at one time. Yesterday I went into town, and had to walk 1/2 a mile just to get into town because I was forced to park away so far. I got into town and was shocked, shocked I tell you, to see all the people lined up on main street (ok, pretty much the ONLY street) for the parade. It was so fun. I ran into a friend or two, and then just sat myself on the ground and watched the cars go by as kids from cars/floats tossed candy to kids lining the street.
I celebrated the rest of the holiday by deep cleaning my apartment. And that night, celebrated the good-ol-american way: I went and saw fireworks. Now maybe I just haven’t seen fireworks in so long, or maybe my friend who said they the town I went to had the best fireworks in the county was right, but I was simply amazed by the fireworks. I went to the waterfront by myself and there was a MASS of people, double or even triple the size from the parade, and I just plopped myself down in the middle of all of then to stare in wonder at the sky. Fireworks are a wonder, they were amazing to watch and I really enjoyed getting to just sit and enjoy them.
Thirdly, lastly for you who have hung in there and read all this; I just finished watching Scrubs Season 1. Which is also fun. I’d like to point out this dorky fact: the guy on the show who plays Franklin (I think he’s only in like 1 or 2 episode) is the actor who now plays Hiro on Heroes. Yep, I’m the kinda geek that notices that sort of thing.
July 3, 2007
I need to toughen up. Or rather, I need to learn how to not wear my heart on my sleeve. I’ve always been bad at this. People can tell my mood, tell what’s going on with me, just by looking at me. Sometimes I’m sure this is positive, but really, it’s a bad thing probably. I need to learn to hide what’s going on. Toughen Up.
Lots of things to talk about.
First of all, right after I wrote that update on my neck - the swelling went down dramatically. There’s still pain in my shoulder/back muscles, but the bump is down significantly I think.
Secondly: Yesterday was the Fourth Of July. I haven’t been in the States for Independence Day in, at the very least 6 years, I’m gonna guess it’s more like 10 years. I have to say, I had a fabulous holiday. During the winter you can maybe find 50 people in my town at one time. Yesterday I went into town, and had to walk 1/2 a mile just to get into town because I was forced to park away so far. I got into town and was shocked, shocked I tell you, to see all the people lined up on main street (ok, pretty much the ONLY street) for the parade. It was so fun. I ran into a friend or two, and then just sat myself on the ground and watched the cars go by as kids from cars/floats tossed candy to kids lining the street.
I celebrated the rest of the holiday by deep cleaning my apartment. And that night, celebrated the good-ol-american way: I went and saw fireworks. Now maybe I just haven’t seen fireworks in so long, or maybe my friend who said they the town I went to had the best fireworks in the county was right, but I was simply amazed by the fireworks. I went to the waterfront by myself and there was a MASS of people, double or even triple the size from the parade, and I just plopped myself down in the middle of all of then to stare in wonder at the sky. Fireworks are a wonder, they were amazing to watch and I really enjoyed getting to just sit and enjoy them.
Thirdly, lastly for you who have hung in there and read all this; I just finished watching Scrubs Season 1. Which is also fun. I’d like to point out this dorky fact: the guy on the show who plays Franklin (I think he’s only in like 1 or 2 episode) is the actor who now plays Hiro on Heroes. Yep, I’m the kinda geek that notices that sort of thing.
July 3, 2007
I need to toughen up. Or rather, I need to learn how to not wear my heart on my sleeve. I’ve always been bad at this. People can tell my mood, tell what’s going on with me, just by looking at me. Sometimes I’m sure this is positive, but really, it’s a bad thing probably. I need to learn to hide what’s going on. Toughen Up.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
sleeplessness
I had nightmares last night. I haven't had nightmares in awhile. I usually have nightmares when I watch scary tv shows or movies, the last time I remember having nightmares was Halloween when I watched "Shawn of the Dead." Yes, I know it's a comedy, but that's how fearful I am of Zombies. Zombies, Ghosts, things that go bump in the dark - just about anything that can jump out at you in the night, I'm afraid of it. And the visuals of these things gets into my psyche and I have nightmares at nights when I watch them. So in general, I avoid scary stuff.
Which is why it's weird that I had nightmares last night, because I haven't watched anything scary in some time. But I haven't been sleeping well at all over the past week. I've been sleeping horribly all night till the sun comes up, I can clear my mind, and then I sleep fine for a couple hours. Last night, I think there were ghosts in my dreams, but mostly the nightmare was permeated with a sense of dread and fear. Not so fun.
I was especially looking forward to a good-nights sleep, because I'd worn myself out yesterday afternoon. Around 8 at night I decided it was time for bike ride. I thought I could make it around the local lake, but didn't realize that I was biting off more than I could chew, or rather, bike. Still, in total, I biked 11 miles last night.
And this afternoon, after I leave work, I'm hoping to go for a run. 3 miles, but enough to get the blood flowing.
Side note: I've started "Swingers", another possibly sad movie that has me in stitches. Because it, like "High Fidelity" is, just so, good. Or money I should say. It's shot so well, and the general "mise-en-scene" (spelling on that?) is right on. It's based in truth, and the dialogue, and the music, and actors, all combine to make it another fantastic, time-less film.
oh yes, and before I forget: update on my surgery: It's been hurting a bit more lately. Just tingly and frustrating in the muscle connecting my neck and shoulder. Also, i feel like it still looks huge, the bump, but everyone assures me that it will be weeks before the swelling goes down.
Which is why it's weird that I had nightmares last night, because I haven't watched anything scary in some time. But I haven't been sleeping well at all over the past week. I've been sleeping horribly all night till the sun comes up, I can clear my mind, and then I sleep fine for a couple hours. Last night, I think there were ghosts in my dreams, but mostly the nightmare was permeated with a sense of dread and fear. Not so fun.
I was especially looking forward to a good-nights sleep, because I'd worn myself out yesterday afternoon. Around 8 at night I decided it was time for bike ride. I thought I could make it around the local lake, but didn't realize that I was biting off more than I could chew, or rather, bike. Still, in total, I biked 11 miles last night.
And this afternoon, after I leave work, I'm hoping to go for a run. 3 miles, but enough to get the blood flowing.
Side note: I've started "Swingers", another possibly sad movie that has me in stitches. Because it, like "High Fidelity" is, just so, good. Or money I should say. It's shot so well, and the general "mise-en-scene" (spelling on that?) is right on. It's based in truth, and the dialogue, and the music, and actors, all combine to make it another fantastic, time-less film.
oh yes, and before I forget: update on my surgery: It's been hurting a bit more lately. Just tingly and frustrating in the muscle connecting my neck and shoulder. Also, i feel like it still looks huge, the bump, but everyone assures me that it will be weeks before the swelling goes down.
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